


My World Spins Out

by sixoxox



Category: Victorious
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-17
Updated: 2014-02-17
Packaged: 2018-01-12 21:51:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 26,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1201906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sixoxox/pseuds/sixoxox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jade and Tori met long before Tori's first day at Hollywood Arts. This is the story of who they once were. And how they came to be the people they are now. JORI. And unfortunate, yet circumstantially canon, minor Bade. - Unfinished on here, sorry! Full story up on ff.net</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Victorious is not mine. Original song lyrics and any OCs are.

I've been laying on my bed for at least two hours, just staring at the ceiling. I'd been looking forward to this day for weeks. We had all made plans to spend the day at Seal Beach. Then when the sun went down we were going to make a bonfire and drink the beer Andre's cousin had been able to get for us. But I broke up with my boyfriend a few days ago and I don't want to see him. So I'm not going. My friends are all out there now, but here I am. Staring at the unwavering black ceiling.

"At least there is one constant in my life," I think as I stare. Then the lamp in the corner of my periphery flickers out. I sit in silence for a moment. "Well that's just fantastic" I say out loud. I roll off my bed and groan as I hit the floor. I don't even bother grabbing my Pear Phone as I leave, just my car keys. I drive down Sunset Boulevard and find a parking spot a block away from my favorite coffee shop.

I'm disappointed when I walk in. I just wanted to get a coffee and sit and wallow, but unfortunately it's Saturday and that means it's open mic night. A guy with dreadlocks is sitting on a stool near the window. He is playing guitar and singing some stupid song about love. It makes me want to puke.

I go up to the counter and order my coffee. The dreadlocked guy has finished his song by the time I get it. I take my drink and find the only available table. I sit in one of the chairs but it's a little too close to the currently empty stool by the window for me to feel comfortable.

I drink my coffee and suffer through two more intolerable love songs played on a ukulele by a girl covered in tattoos and on a guitar by an awkward looking guy in a tuxedo and a pair of Air Jordans. I'm about to give up and leave when a girl about my age walks up to the stool, guitar in hand. She looks nervous. She sits down and settles the guitar in her lap. She looks up and scans the crowd with her eyes. They land on mine and the last thing I hear before my entire world spins out is "Hi, I'm Tori Vega."

The last time I felt this way was when I first saw Beck. His perfect hair and his perfect smile and his perfect eyes that shone right through me when they met mine on my first day at Hollywood Arts. I momentarily lost my ability to breathe and my heart fell out of my chest and onto the ground. I hated that feeling.

And here it was again. I hated myself immediately. Hated my heart for acting on its own accord. This was happening and I couldn't help it.

After my brain calms down I use the tiniest part of it that isn't in shock to remind myself to breathe. It isn't until the last chorus of the girl's song that my paralysis neutralizes. And finally I can hear what she is singing.

"So make a wish on a shooting star or a clover."

She sings in this voice that resonates through my whole body.

"Any time when you're falling hard then it's over."

She looks over at me and the light in her eyes as they connect with mine makes me feel like she is singing only to me.

"So take a risk and look in my direction."

I can feel my cheeks catch fire.

"Make a wish, it's 11:11."

The song ends. And with it, I think, any semblance of reason I thought my life could ever achieve. This is it. And I'm not ready.

The audience claps politely and the girl stands up. She looks at me. The second she moves she turns slightly toward me and I run out of the place. The fear of her coming up to speak to me is too much. I run down the street and to my car. I'm not quite able to breathe when I reach it. I just sort of collapse onto the hood of my car and close my eyes. After a few moments I feel the weight of my car shift. I sit upright and turn to face the other direction.

And there she is, sitting cross legged on the trunk of my car, guitar in her lap. I don't think she knows that I see her there. I close my eyes and slowly, quietly, lay back down, wondering what is going to happen. Suddenly I can hear the strings of the guitar being picked ever so gently.

Her voice permeates my skin and settles in my veins.

“Hey there, princess. You look like someone I wanna know. Hey there, princess. Is there somewhere you wanna go? I’ll take you anywhere as long as you stay. Hey there, princess. Why don’t you come over here and play?”

A small laugh escapes my mouth. I breathe deeply in.

“I just wrote that,” she says. I’m impressed but I can’t bring myself to give up my game of playing dead. “For you,” she continues. If I could just die right here, right now, I would. “I know you can hear me,” she states matter-of-factly. I picture a small smirk clinging to her lips. But still I don’t respond.

My mind goes frantic, searching for some sort of way to get out of this situation. The guitar starts up again. Louder this time.

“Why won’t she say hello?” That voice again. “I just don’t know. Time to give up. I think I’ll go.” The weight of my car shifts again and I know she has given me an out. And after all that inner turmoil... I don’t know why, but I decide not to take it.

“Don’t go,” I whisper as I exhale the breath I’ve been holding for way too long. I consider hitting myself in the head. I open my eyes and sit up. There she stands, right in front of me, holding onto her guitar by its neck.

“She speaks,” she says. “Well,” she corrects herself, “she whispers.”

“Hi,” I respond, still too flustered to come up with anything else.

“I’m Tori.”

“Jade.”


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade and Tori met long before Tori's first day at Hollywood Arts. This is the story of who they once were. And how they came to be the people they are now. JORI. And unfortunate, yet circumstantially canon, minor Bade.

I don't know how it happened. An hour and a half ago I was on my bed, feeling sorry for myself. And now here I am. Driving around Los Angeles with a stranger in the passenger seat. She's absentmindedly playing her guitar and I'm doing my best to pay attention to the road. We're not speaking, and for the time being I think I like it this way. I don't even know what I would say. "Who even are you?" isn't enough and "I think I love you" would be taking it too far. Would be far to presumptuous anyway.

So I just keep my eyes trained on the road ahead of us, watching where we're heading and wondering where we'll go.

She strikes a chord on her guitar and starts playing some Top 40s tune I had heard on the radio earlier that day and had dismissed easily. But it's different this time. With this girl in my car, I like the song now.

The song comes to an end as we pass by Canters Deli on Fairfax Avenue. "Ooh! Take a right here!" she excitedly shouts. I slam on the breaks and turn right. "Into the parking lot," she says.

I take another quick right and stop. A guy walks over and hands me a ticket. "You can get it validated inside," he says with very little emotion in his voice.

"Thanks!" she shouts as she leans over me. The side of her arm grazes mine and I inhale deeply. "Sorry," she whispers. I can feel her breath on my cheek. I try to ignore her closeness and instead focus on finding a spot in the small parking lot. I park and she practically jumps out of the car.

"Come on, princess" she gently commands. I almost like the way she calls me that. Like she sees something in me that I rarely do. I get out of the car and she reaches her hand out to me. I take her hand and instantly it feels right. Like my hand was meant to be in hers, and hers in mine. The thought is mildly terrifying. She pulls me around the corner and onto the sidewalk. She leads me into Canters and we are directed to a table in the far corner.

"Let's talk about everything," she suggests. I briefly freeze up and I can feel my eyes widen.

"Everything?" I ask.

"Everything."

I'm almost saved by the waitress who comes over to take our orders. French fries and a Diet Coke for her. A bowl of matzah bowl soup for me.

"So... Everything." She reminds me. I had hoped the brief interruption would have made her forget. Or at least move on to another potential, hopefully more limited, topic.

"Everything," I think to myself. I can see her examining my face, trying to figure out what's going through my head. Clearly she can read right into me as she starts the conversation.

“I have an older sister,” she offers up. “She’s unbelievably annoying but I love her.” It’s an easy topic, I can go along with this one.

“I have a younger brother,” I say. “He isn’t annoying at all. He’s perfect and I love him more than anything.”

“What’s his name?” she asks.

“Jordan,” I answer her.

“Jade and Jordan?” She laughs a little bit.

“Yeah,” I start, “I’m not sure my parents tried very hard. What’s your sister’s name?”

“Trina,” she says. Now it is my turn to let out a slight laugh.

“Tori and Trina?” I comment, the skepticism in my voice quite clear.

“I swear. I’m not sure my parents tried very hard either.” After a few more moments of laughter we become silent again for at least a full minute. Just when it starts to feel awkward she throws out a game changer.

"I broke up with my boyfriend like... twenty minutes ago." She says with a small sigh. This topic is decidedly far more deep than our parents’ lack of creativity. I do my best to not future trip and think about where this conversation will take us. And will we end up talking about what is happening right now? I try to stay with the topic instead of allowing my mind to wander. 

But twenty minutes ago can't be right. She was sitting in the passenger seat of my car twenty minutes ago, playing her guitar. She sees the confused look on my face and explains further. "When I say twenty minutes ago I, of course, mean a few days ago."

"Of course," I respond with a near silent laugh. I consider opening up. I don’t want to but I realize I have to. So I do. ”Same here," I offer.

"Really?" she asks. And the smile that comes over her face suddenly puts me at ease.

"Really," I answer.

"It didn't feel right," she says. "He didn't feel right."

"I totally understand that," I commiserate.

"You feel right.” She lowers the volume of her voice but still says it flat out.

I quickly shut my eyes and cover my face with my hands.

What starts with a laugh turns into a genuine apology. “Sorry," she says. "I made you feel uncomfortable.” She reaches over the table, takes my left hand, and pulls it away from my face. I’ve blushed so hard that I imagine I look like I'm about to burn up.

“No... I...I...” I stammer.

“Don’t tell me you don’t feel it. You looked at me and you felt it.” She says with confidence. “I’m right, right?”

I look down and stare at the table for a while. After a few moments I speak quietly, eyes still fixed on the table. “Yes.”

“So did I,” she responds.

“I’m not gay,” I gingerly protest as I look up at her.

“Neither am I,” she declares.

“Okay,” I say with a faltering smile.

“Okay,” she agrees with a smile much more sure than mine.

And as I finally start to feel comfortable with this girl I feel so unexplainably strongly for; the waitress comes over and places our food down in front of us. Tori quickly picks a french fry off her plate and holds it out to me. “French fry?”

“Sure,” I say as I reach out to take it. I put the french fry in my mouth and start to chew on it. We haven’t broken eye contact since she offered it to me. I keep it until I finish chewing. And that’s when I accept it. She really does feel right. This feels right.


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade and Tori met long before Tori's first day at Hollywood Arts. This is the story of who they once were. And how they came to be the people they are now. JORI. And unfortunate, yet circumstantially canon, minor Bade.

“Let’s go to the beach,” she suggests. We’ve left Canters and are back in my car, heading south on Fairfax Avenue. Her guitar sits in the back seat. Tori had looked through my CD collection and picked out a mix CD I had made a few months earlier. I had named it “Actually I Don’t Even Know” and at this point I’d completely forgotten what songs I included on it. She had put the disc into the CD player and I had hoped it wasn’t something completely embarrassing. It turned out to be a mix of some of my favorite female singers. Etta James, Joan Baez, Eartha Kitt, Fiona Apple, and other women I truly admired. The first song came on, “Diamonds and Rust” by Joan Baez. I took my eyes off the road for a moment to look at Tori. She nodded her head in approval and I smiled.

“Seriously. To the beach!” She says.

“Isn’t a little late for the beach?” I ask.

“We live Southern California,” she says. “It’s never too late for the beach.”

“Okay, then.” I say.

“Want to drive down to Seal Beach?” she suggests.

“No!” I shout out a little too quickly. “How about Venice?”

“Venice it is,” she agrees.

Instead of continuing the conversation she sings along with the song. "Our breath comes out white clouds, mingles and hangs in the air. Speaking strictly for me, we both could have died then and there." My heart stops, and suddenly so does she. “You do live here, right?” she seems sadly unsure. She continues before I get a chance to answer. “Because what if you live in... like... New York and I’m never going to see you again after tonight?” I smile, happy she is future tripping the way I tend to.

“I live here,” I say, much to her relief.

“And if you did live in New York?” I know she’s asking if I would still want to see her if I lived across the country, but for my own sanity I need to avoid the question.

“Maybe I will someday,” I deflect.

“Can I come with?” she asks.

I laugh, “sure.”

We’ve made it to I-10 by the end of “Diamonds and Rust.” I turn onto the freeway as she quickly presses the power button on the stereo.

“That was the perfect song,” she says. “I don’t want to listen to anything else.”

“We can put it on repeat?” I offer. I’ve definitely done that before. Found a perfect song and kept it on repeat for hours.

“Or we could talk?” she counters.

“We could talk,” I say trepidatiously. I feel more comfortable with her, that’s for sure. But perhaps not enough to just continue talking about everything. I decide it might be best to focus the conversation on her. "How long have you been playing guitar?"

"A few years," she answers. "My sister tried to learn but she gave up pretty quickly. She left the guitar in her closet and I guess she forgot she even owned it because one day I found it and just kind of started playing. She didn't even notice that it was hers."

"And I bet you didn't even need lessons," I say, expecting nothing less of this girl.

"Uh... well.. I took one..." she tries to sound humble.

"No you didn't," I say, playfully rolling my eyes.

"No," she admits. "I didn't. Tell me about your brother."

"Jordan, he's..." I start. "He's wonderful. He's ten and he's really into acting and dancing and other things boys his age aren't really into. But he's just so passionate and he doesn't care what people think. He's precocious, that's for sure. And probably more mature than I am."

"Wow," she says, "he sounds incredible."

"Yeah," I agree. "He's perfect."

"Can I meet him?" she asks me. I actually have to think about this. He is such an important part of my life. And while I can tell that this girl is already important, I still have to be wary. Both Jordan and I form attachments with people too quickly. I'm already worried for myself. I can't willingly put him in a position to get hurt. Not until I know otherwise, anyway.

I haven't responded to her and I can sense that she knows I'm lost in thought. She reaches over, pulls my right hand off the steering wheel, and holds it in her lap. The touch secures me.

"Maybe some day," I offer.

"Maybe some day," she repeats.

The freeway ends and we drive through Venice to the Boardwalk. We are somehow able to find a parking spot only a few blocks away. She holds my hand and excitedly points out cool looking buildings as we walk. The Boardwalk is mostly empty but there is a large group of people out on the beach. Some of them are beating drums and the rest are dancing wildly around a bonfire.

"A drum circle!" she shouts out. "Cool!"

She drops my hand and runs over to the circle. An unadulterated smile comes over me as I watch her dance. I think about how this really is cool. About how this must be way cooler than whatever my friends are doing at Seal Beach.

"Jade!" she shouts out to me. She waves her arm around, undoubtedly trying to get me to join her. My feet remain firmly planted. I watch as she gathers up a few people around her. They all lean in and she counts to three on her fingers.

"Jade!" the chorus of voices rings in my ears. I roll my eyes, laugh slightly, and slowly make my way over.

Tori, still dancing, takes my hand and pulls me close to her. And suddenly we're dancing together and the rest of the world starts to dull. The sounds coming from the drums become muffled. And eventually there are only three things left. Me. Her. And the light emitted by the fire behind her, illuminating a silhouette of this perfect girl.

Again I feel compelled to say something, but I still don't know what. The English language fails me again. There just aren't any constrained words that are big enough. No words that are strong enough to express what I'm feeling but with enough limits. This conflict begins to pull me out of the slight dream I'd fallen into.

She reaches out and gently touches her hand to my cheek. She looks into my eyes with the same light as earlier when she was sitting on that chair by the window of the coffee shop. And with that I'm back.

I've lost myself in her and I have no idea how much time has passed when I finally snap out of it. She has taken my hand again and we're running as she pulls me toward the water. I want to protest. No, I don't want to protest. She can pull me anywhere.

Something, I don't know what, happens and we tumble to the ground about ten feet before reaching the edge of the tide. I'm on my back and she is right next to me, laying on her stomach. Our arms are intertwined.

I can feel the damp sand underneath me. The smell of the sea and burning wood. The taste of the salt lingering in the moist air. The faint sound of the drums off in the distance. I look at Tori and see that she is smiling as she watches me and I want to press a button. Something that can capture this exact moment. All five of my senses are more alive than they've ever been. But more than that, the feeling inside of me is what I want to remember.

"Seriously?" I begin to speak but my words falter. "How... What... Who even are you?"

She props herself up on her elbows and leans into me. She slowly, cautiously grazes her lips against mine. My heart falls out and gets buried in the sand beneath me.

"I'm yours," she whispers. And with those words and a long, gentle kiss she has dug my heart out of the sand and taken it for herself, leaving me to hope that she'll keep it safe. Myopically thinking she will.


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade and Tori met long before Tori's first day at Hollywood Arts. This is the story of who they once were. And how they came to be the people they are now. JORI. And unfortunate, yet circumstantially canon, minor Bade.

My whirlwind night ends with a long hug, a lingering kiss on my cheek, and the promise of a text message. I tune to a random AM talk radio station in my car because I don't feel like any music could complement my current mood. But I can't just drive in silence and allow my mind to process everything. It isn't quite ready for such a task.

I get home to find Jordan passed out on the couch in the living room. I walk up to the couch and kneel down in front of him. I touch my hand to his head and briefly pet his hair. "Hey, J," I whisper. He opens his eyes but is still half asleep. I pick him up and carry him to his bedroom upstairs. I tuck him into bed and sit down next to him.

"Where were you?" he asks me. I don't necessarily know how to answer.

"I just went out for a little while," I say, leaving out any details.

"You look happy," he comments.

"I, uh, I had a good night," I concede.

"Were you with Beck," he asked. Jordan and Beck had developed a really great relationship over the last year and a half. I hadn't had the heart to tell Jordan that we had broken up. And I still don't.

"No, honey, I was out with a..." I consider how to put it without confusing him, "a friend."

"Cool," he says as he drifts back off to sleep. I lean over and kiss him on the forehead before getting up, turning the lights out, and leaving the room. I take a left out of the room and walk down to the hallway to my room. I hear my phone's text tone before I enter.

I grab my phone and lay down on my bed. Thirteen text messages. Several from Cat, begging me to come to the beach, one from my mom asking if I was coming home or if I was out getting drunk and pregnant, even one from Beck saying he was sorry I felt too uncomfortable to hang out with the group. And one text from an unsaved number with a Los Angeles area code.

I open up the last one and smile as I read "Hey there, princess." I save the number as simply Tori.

My phone dings as I get another text from Cat. "Where are you?" She asks.

I call her and she picks up with a frantic sounding "Oh my god. Jade! Are you okay?"

"Hey, Kitty Cat," I say, using the pet name I've always called her. "I'm fine. I went out and forgot my phone at home."

"Oh thank god!" she exclaims.

"Are you still at the beach?" I ask.

"No, I just got home." She says. "It took a while since Beck was the only one who didn't drink so he had to drive us all home."

"Good lookin' out," I say, happy that none of my friends drove drunk.

"He was asking about you," she says.

"Oh," I say with as little emotion as possible.

"He felt really bad that you didn't come." She says. "You didn't come because he was gonna be there, right?"

"Right," I confirm.

"Well then I'm sorry too," she apologizes.

"It's cool," I assure her. "I actually had a great night. Completely unexpected, but great."

"Yay!" she almost shouts. "What did you do?"

I consider telling her everything right then and there, but decide that it probably wouldn't come out right. I still needed to process the whole thing, something I was avoiding doing.

"Look," I start to explain but then think better of it. "Hey I'm going to try to sleep in tomorrow but do you want to meet up for lunch?"

"Kay kay!" she responds. "Goodnight, Jade!"

"Goodnight, Kitty Cat," I say.

I press the "end call" button and return to the text message from Tori. I stare at the words for a long time before even considering what to respond with. "Hey there, princess." it reads. Before I can reply I get another text from her. "<3." The sideways heart appears and I inhale deeply. I write back with the only mildly charming thing I can think of. "Siiiiiiiigh."

"Did you make it home okay?" she texts me.

"I did, thanks." I write back.

Another text from her. "I had a great time tonight. It was amazing, actually. Magical."

After much deliberation within my head I write back with "Wonderful."

I don't even have time to take a breathe before her next text message arrives. "Beautiful."

"Exciting," I write back, much more quickly this time.

"Dare I ask if I can see you tomorrow?" she writes.

"You dare." I respond.

She writes back with "Can I see you tomorrow?" and I smile at the literalism.

I start typing. "I've got plans with a friend for lunch." I think about adding something else. I type out "Maybe you can meet her?" I stare at the words for a minute before deleting the sentence. It is too soon for that. I continue my original thought. "Afterward?"

"Great! I can get a ride to your house if you want." She offers.

Not a chance. My mom will be home. And I still don't want Tori to meet Jordan yet. No, that's incorrect. I don't want Jordan to meet her. "How about I come over to your house?"

"Cool. Movie date." She replies. As I read it my heart skips over the word "date." It's just a word, I try to convince myself. I have to try to ignore it. Push it to the back of my mind.

"I'll text you when I'm leaving here." I write.

"Sweet dreams, princess." She texts.

"Night." I write even though I know it sounds kind of brusque, hoping she won't think I'm just brushing her off. Hoping she knows I'm just putting a wall up. A wall that I can already feel her pulling apart, brick by brick. Hoping she knows I'm just scared.


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade and Tori met long before Tori's first day at Hollywood Arts. This is the story of who they once were. And how they came to be the people they are now. JORI. And unfortunate, yet circumstantially canon, minor Bade.

I wake up a little before noon. I send Cat a text asking if she can get a ride to my house. I take a quick shower. Cat has sent me a text letting me know that she'll be here at around 1:00 or 1:30, depending on when her brother finishes the project he's working on. I definitely don't want to know what kind of project it could be.

I've also received a text from Tori that simply asks "Is it tonight yet?" I let out a small laugh and respond with a smiley face emoticon.

Cat arrives at my house and we walk a few blocks down the street to a diner because I'm craving french fries and bad diner coffee. Cat orders pancakes from the kid's menu. The kind with a smiley face made out of fruit on top.

After some small talk she finally brings the conversation where it was meant to go. "So what did you do last night?"

I consider trying to deflect, trying to get her to talk about the outing to Seal Beach. Or anything. But Cat is staring at me with her eyes wide open and I know I need to tell her everything. And maybe, in doing so, I can begin to process it all myself.

"I met someone last night," I say, assuming Cat will read into the implications.

"Cool!" she exclaims, clearly not understanding what I'm saying. "I've already met like six people today!"

"Cat, I met someone,” I try to explain. "I met someone. Like... We hung out all night and kissed and..."

"Oh my god! You met someone last night!" Cat finally gets it. "Who is he? What's his name? Tell me everything about him!"

"That's the thing, Kitty Cat," I start. I’m not sure if I can continue. But I realize I need to. "It wasn't a boy."

"I don't get it," Cat said with a frown.

"Cat," I say calmly. "It was a girl. I met a girl. I kissed a girl."

"Oh," she says. I'm not sure she's gotten it just yet. "Oh!" she finally shouts out, causing everyone in the diner to look over at us. I duck my head down and laugh. Cat follows suit.

"You kissed a girl?" Cat asks curiously. "So... Are you a lesbian now?"

I expect to freak out at the question but instead I just laugh. "No. At least I don't think so. I think it's just her. I don't actually know what it means." I stop myself from rambling.

"What about Beck?" Cat asks me.

"What about Beck?” I ask. “We broke up.”

"But we all thought it would be like every time you break up." Cat explains. "You break up all the time and then get back together."

"Not this time," I say, surprising myself with the surety in my voice.

“Tell me about her!” Cat squeals with excitement.

I don’t really know what to say. I hardly know Tori. All I really know is what I felt all last night. What I felt every time she touched me. What I felt when she kissed me. “I barely even know her,” I admit. “It was just... just a thing.” I try to downplay it. But even when I do I know I am just trying to fool myself. I know it is a lie. Cat frowns at me and I think about what else I can say. “You know what? Maybe I do know her. A little bit, anyway. I just don’t know anything about her. She has a sister.” I laugh at myself. I really don’t know much about her.

“I have a brother!” Cat interjects. I ignore Cat’s silliness and allow myself to say out loud what I really mean.

“She makes my heart do those little jumpy things,” I explain. “And I have trouble breathing when she looks at me.”

"Oh my god, Jade!" Cat says. "You're like totally in love with this girl!" And I want so badly to deny it. I want to be able to deny it. To tell my friend that it's just a random thing. That it was a moment. A series of moments. Just a night. But I know that's not true.

"Yeah," I say quietly. With that one word of agreement I step out of my body. I watch myself as I say it again. "Yeah, I am." And as I watch myself I realize that it doesn't feel weird saying it. That it's okay. That it sounds okay. That I'm okay.

"Yay!" Cat shouts out.

"So how was the beach?" I ask.

Cat responded almost instantaneously. "Oh my god it was so fun! Robbie brought his guitar and we all sat around and wrote a song!"

"That sounds like fun," I absentmindedly say, actually thinking about my time at the beach and how it was so much better than sitting around writing a song.

“Beck felt really bad that you weren’t there,” Cat says with a sigh.

“It really doesn’t matter,” I say.

“I don’t want the group to break up!” Cat looks like she is going to cry.

“It’s going to be okay,” I assure her. “Beck and I will be friends again some day.”

My phone dings and Tori's name comes up on the screen.

The smile that comes over my face must be big because Cat notices it and comments. "Is that her?" Cat asks in an excited tone, clearly completely over whatever fears she had about the fate of our group of friends. I nod my head. "Can I talk to her?" she asks in an unnecessarily loud and excited voice.

"No," I say in a gentle tone. It isn't necessarily Cat that I don't want speaking to Tori. I think it's anyone. Any of my friends. Not yet. And I don't even think that Andre and Robbie would understand. And definitely not Beck. Beck certainly isn't my friend right now, but I hope that maybe someday he will be.

I read the text message from Tori that asks "What kind of movie? RomCom? Animated Disney classic? Mission Impossible? Mission Impossible 2? Mission Impossible 3?"

I laugh and write back. "Whatever you want."

"Are you going to see her again?" Cat asks me.

"Tonight," I respond.

"Oh! Yay!" Cat exclaims.

"Cat," I start. "Please don't tell anyone about this.” I repeat the last part as slowly as I can. “Any. Of. This.”

"Kay kay!" she replies.

"Cat, I'm serious." I say. "No one can know. You have to promise me you won't tell anyone."

"I promise," Cat says.

“Kitty Cat...” I say as I put on my most stern looking face.

“I promise!” Cat shouts, causing everyone in the diner to look over at us again. We burst into laughter and duck under the table again. And while I’m laughing I realize that I can’t do anything other than hope that Cat will keep her promise.


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade and Tori met long before Tori's first day at Hollywood Arts. This is the story of who they once were. And how they came to be the people they are now. JORI. And unfortunate, yet circumstantially canon, minor Bade.

"Leaving now. Be there in 15-20." I shoot a text off to Tori after I drop Cat off at her house.

"See you soon. <3" she writes back. I drive all the way up to the Hollywood Hills and park out front of her house. I get out of my car and stick my phone and keys into my pocket. I wonder if I should be nervous. And for a second I'm confused that I'm not. I knock on the door and there she is. She wordlessly takes my hand and pulls me over to a rounded red couch in the middle of the living room. She sits down and pulls me down next to her.

"Oh!" she shouts as she quickly stands back up, dropping my hand. She walks over to the kitchen. "Do you want something to drink?"

"Whatever you're having," I answer. She pulls two bottles of grape soda and brings them over.

"Hi," she says. And I realize then that while I'm not nervous, she just might be.

"Hi," I whisper. She looks down and some of her hair starts to fall over her face. I reach out and tuck it behind her ear. She smiles at me. “So... movie?”

“Movie,” she says. She picks up two DVDs from the coffee table and hands them to me. “You choose.” She sits back and drinks from her bottle of grape soda. I take a look at the DVDs. One appears to be a cheesy romantic comedy and the other appears to be a scary horror movie.

“I don’t really like scary movies,” I say.

“It’s not scary,” she says. “I promise. Yeah, let’s watch that one. Maybe you’ll like it.”

“Maybe I will,” I concede.

We are about halfway through the movie, and it’s not as scary as I thought it would be. It seems like she is more scared than I am. She moves closer to me as the first character is killed off. By the second death she has tucked her knees in and holds my hand while leaning slightly into me. By the end of the movie we are almost laying down on the couch. She is resting her head on my collarbone and she holds onto my hand while my other arm is wrapped around her shoulders. The credits roll and she begins gently tracing shapes into my hand with her forefinger. The sensation sends chills through my body.

“I actually liked it,” I admit.

“I knew you would,” she says with a grin.

“You were totally scared,” I say.

“I was,” she says. “I’ll admit it. Thank you for protecting me.”

“Any time,” I say with a laugh.

“Really?” she asks.

I don’t even have to think about it. “Yes.”

She looks at me and just kind of stares into my eyes for a while before saying anything. “I want to know you,” she says. “Like... I want to know everything about you.”

“Are we going to continue the theme of talking about everything?” I ask playfully.

“Yes,” she says. “Everything.” I smile. “What does your handwriting look like?” she asks.

“Do you have a pen and some paper?” I ask, not even thinking about how random handwriting is. Not even wondering why she would want to know what mine looks like. She stands up and my body instinctively moves slightly with her, not wanting to let go. There’s a coldness in the places she is no longer pressed against. I watch her as she walks to the kitchen, making sure she’s in sight. Making sure she’ll come back. She returns with a yellow legal pad and two pens. She pulls off two pieces of paper and sets them down in front of us. She sits back down, right next to me so our shoulders are touching. “What should we write?” 

“I don’t know,” she says. “How about our names?”

“Easy enough,” I say. Then I set forth to complete this task. She is done in less than ten seconds. She puts her pen down and watches my hand for the next thirty seconds, as I finish writing “Jade West.”

“Your handwriting is so much better than mine. I’ve always hated mine. But... What are all the little lines you added to the letters?” she asks as I finish and place the pen on the table.

“Serifs,” I answer. “The idea is that serifed typefaces are easier to read when they are on paper, but non-serifed typefaces are easier to read on computers.” I pick up the piece of paper with “Tori Vega” written on it and I place it in front of me. I begin adding serifs to the letters as I continue speaking. “I read a lot of books and they are all set in serifed typefaces. So I started adding serifs to everything I write. I think every written word looks better with them.” I add the last one to the last letter of her last name and put the pen down.

“Wow,” Tori says. “It actually does look a lot better. You taught me something” She leans over and kisses me on the cheek. “Thank you.” I feel the tingle in my cheeks. “You’re blushing.”

“I know,” I say quietly while averting my eyes.

“Lay down,” she softly suggests. And as I do she lays down next to me and takes my arm and wraps it around her. The couch is small and awkwardly shaped so we are next to each other with our bodies pressed together. She turns to face me and nuzzles her head into my neck. The feeling of her warm breath seeping into my skin makes me shiver.

“Hi, princess,” she whispers with her eyes closed. The inclusion of the word “princess” makes me feel like she couldn’t possibly be nervous anymore. But I don’t entirely rule it out.

“Hi,” I whisper back. She pulls her head slightly away and looks up at me. And for the first time I take the lead. I lean in and press my lips against hers. I hear the softest of whimpers escape from her mouth. She reaches her hand up and places it gently on the back of my neck. And I lose myself in her. Her lips that taste slightly of vanilla. Her hand and its pressure and placement. Her body against mine, our hearts beating to the same tempo. I’ve fallen so in tune with her that I don’t even hear the front door open. 

“Tori!” I hear the voice of an older woman shout out the girl’s name.

And though we break apart and sit up straight; she remains close to me, still holding my hand.

“Hey Mom. Hey Dad.” She speaks as though she didn’t just get caught making out with a girl on the couch. “This is Jade.” I stare at the ground and wave awkwardly. Tori squeezes my hand and I look up at her.

“No more Daniel, then?” her dad asks.

“Nope,” she replies nonchalantly.

“Good,” her dad states. “I didn’t like him.”

“So are you gay now?” her mom asks.

“No,” Tori answers. “I don’t think so.” Then she looks at me. Her face softens as her eyes connect with mine. “Maybe,” she adds with a shrug. I look back at her parents, waiting for something to happen.

“Alright,” her mom says with a similar shrug. And with that Tori’s parents walk upstairs without another word.

Tori waits until they are out of earshot to let out a laugh.

“What even just happened?” I ask.

“I have no idea,” she says, still laughing.

Her laughter becomes slightly muffled as the thoughts flying through my mind get progressively louder. What I thought was going to be a huge thing turned out to be nothing. Why were her parents so cool about it? What would mine be like if I told them? If they caught me with Tori. Would I ever even tell them? Would we ever even talk about it?

But as I begin spiraling I can feel Tori’s hand in mine, tethering me to this couch. To the world. To her.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade and Tori met long before Tori's first day at Hollywood Arts. This is the story of who they once were. And how they came to be the people they are now. JORI. And unfortunate, yet circumstantially canon, minor Bade.

It's Saturday again and I'm exhausted. It's been a long week of partially avoiding my friends, hanging out with Tori, and staying up late texting with her. It feels like much longer than a week. My connection to Tori seems so much stronger than so little time. My emotions have just taken a hold of me and I'm just so tired. When I'm with her I get this buzz. But you take her away and I'm just a mess. I feel like I haven't slept in months. But tonight is the dance recital Jordan has been practicing for for almost two months. And I wouldn't miss it for anything.

I've seen Tori almost every day this week. We've been meeting up after school at the coffee shop where we had met. I always get a coffee and she always gets an iced tea. We've become so comfortable with each other that we do actually talk about everything. And with everything she says, every new bit of information about her life, every time she gets excited about something that seems trivial to me, every kiss, every touch, every time I catch her just staring at me... I fall for her a little harder.

We didn't see each other on Wednesday because my parents went out of town and I had promised Jordan I would take him to his dance rehearsal. Tori wanted to come with, but I just wasn't ready for them to meet. I had apologized and told her she could meet him soon. And by Saturday I was ready to introduce the two most important people in my life. But first I had to explain things to Jordan.

"Hey, J," I say as I sit him down across from me at the kitchen table. "I'm sorry you haven't seen Beck in a while."

"I miss him," Jordan admits.

"I know you do," I say. "So I need to explain why he hasn't been over here lately."

"Okay," he says.

"He was my boyfriend," I explain. "You understand that, right?"

"But he's not anymore," he says with a sigh.

"No," I start, "he isn't." And now it is time for me to continue the story. "Tonight you are going to meet someone new. Someone who means more to me than Beck did."

"But I liked Beck," he confesses.

"So did I," I say. "And he really likes you. And if you want to see him again I will set something up. Because I know he would love to see you."

"I'd like that," he says. "Is this new person your boyfriend?" he asks after some consideration.

"Kind of," I say. "Yes. But here's the thing." I take a deep breath. "She's a girl."

"So she's your girlfriend?" he asks without faltering.

"Yes," I say. "Exactly."

"Okay," he says. The tension in my face releases. Clearly he can see my relief. "Were you scared to tell me?"

"To be honest, I was." I say.

"Why?" he asks.

"Well," I say, unsure how to explain it. "A lot of people out there aren't okay with it. With two girls being together."

"Is she cool?" he asks. "And nice?"

I laugh a little bit. "Yes. She's very cool and very nice."

"Then I'm okay with it," he says.

"And that's all that matters," I say. "Thanks, sweetie. You're really going to like her."

"Why aren't mom and dad here?" he asks me.

"I don't know, J. They went out of town again." I didn't have an answer for him. "But I'm here. And I'm really looking forward to watching you dance."

"And that's all that matters," he says, repeating my sentiment.

And with that we both go to our rooms to get ready for the night. I finish getting dressed and sent Tori a text message. "My brother is perfect."

"I take it it went well." She replies.

"He had roughly the same reaction your parents had." I write.

"Mild indifference?" she asks.

"With the bonus of confusion over why I thought it would matter!" I write back.

"Perf. Really excited to meet him." She says.

"You know what? I'm excited too." I respond. And I actually mean it.

I make macaroni and cheese for dinner. Jordan and I eat while watching some silly kids show on television. He's so confusing sometimes. He's really growing up so quickly, maybe thats why he sticks to such childish shows. An attempt to keep that part of him alive.

We finish up quickly and drive to the dance studio. Jordan runs backstage to get ready just as Tori's mom's car drives up. "Hi Jade!" Mrs. Vega shouts out the window.

"Hi!" I shout back. Tori leans into her mother and whispers something, then gets out of the car, walks over to me and takes my hand.

"Have fun, girls!" Mrs. Vega shouts as she drives off. Tori waits until the car is out of sight to lean in and give me a quick kiss.

"Hey there, princess," she says.

"Hey you," I respond.

"To the dance!" she exclaims and pulls me up the stairs and into the studio. We're there pretty early and are able to get seats near the front. We look through the program and stop on Jordan's bio.

Tori reads it aloud. "Jordan West is 10 years old. He loves dancing and singing and acting and his parents but mostly his sister Jade." I can't help but smile.

"See?" I say. "He's perfect."

"You're perfect," she whispers as she leans into me. She kisses me on my now bright red cheek.

"Oh no I am not," I say.

"I recently reevaluated the word and its meaning," she explains. "So yes, you are."

"I assure you I'm not," I say.

“Jade,” I melt at the sound of her speaking my name. She puts her hand on my cheek and gently pulls my head so I’m facing her. She leans in and kisses me and for just a moment I give in. I’m drawn back out by the sounds of a woman behind us gasping loudly, standing up, and walking away. Tori sees the scared look on my face. “Come back to me.”

I turn to face straight ahead but as I do I take her hand and hold it tightly with both of mine. Not ready to face the world, but with no intention of letting go.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade and Tori met long before Tori's first day at Hollywood Arts. This is the story of who they once were. And how they came to be the people they are now. JORI. And unfortunate, yet circumstantially canon, minor Bade.

We meet up with all of the other kids in Jordan's dance class and their parents at a frozen yogurt shop down the street from the studio. It is glaringly apparent that Jordan is the only one without his parents. I think he is the only one who doesn't notice. He drags me by my hand and runs around introducing me to everyone. I'm doing my best to keep some distance from Tori but once Jordan starts introducing her as my girlfriend it becomes fruitless. Every time he says it I cringe the slightest bit.

The three of us end up back at my house. Tori didn't want to go straight home and I didn't want to say goodnight so quickly. Jordan wanted to go home. It was an easy choice.

I make some tea while Jordan and Tori sit on the couch.

"You are such a good dancer!" Tori says.

"Thanks!" Jordan enjoys the compliment.

"Will you teach me some moves?" Tori asks.

"Yes!" Jordan seems so excited.

Tori plays a song on her phone and suddenly they're dancing around the living room. I watch them from the kitchen. I bring two cups of tea and a glass of apple juice over to the coffee table.

"Dance with us," Tori suggests. She takes my hand and pulls me close to her. We hold hands as we dance and Jordan spins in circles around us. The song ends and we all fall onto the couch in a fit of laughter.

"Can we watch Enchanted?" Jordan asks.

"Enchanted!" Tori shouts out. "I love that movie. Pip is my favorite."

"He's so funny!" Jordan says. " The Evil Queen is my favorite. She's so cool!" As I find the DVD and start up the TV we all discuss how cool the Evil Queen is. I watch as Jordan cuddles up to Tori on the couch. He loves her already, just like I knew he would. Tori pokes Jordan in his stomach and he laughs and pokes her back. I watch them with so much love and adoration. This could not be any more perfect. Any more magical, wonderful, beautiful, exciting.

I press “play” on the remote and the movie begins. I walk back to the couch to sit down. Jordan is sitting right in the middle. I have no choice but to sit with him between me and Tori. As I sit down Tori leans back, smiles at me, and shrugs. Jordan edges closer and closer to Tori and by the end of the movie he is leaning on her and she has her arm around his shoulders. I take out my phone and snap a picture.

“Hey!” Tori pretends to protest. Her smile is telling, though. She’s glad I took that picture. She knows what it means.

I look at the picture on my phone and am surprised by the clock on the top of the screen claiming it to be a little past 11:00 pm. “Bedtime, J,” I say to my brother. He gives me a big hug, then walks over to Tori and gives her an even bigger one. Then he runs upstairs.

Tori watches as he runs up the stairs

"You were right," she says as she walks over to me. "He's wonderful."

She wraps her arms around me and kisses me. I start to spiral but then she kisses me harder. It's a stronger, more assertive kiss. Not just more assertive. I can feel it inside of me. And it takes me surprise. She puts one hand on my waist and pulls me closer until are bodies are pressed against each other. And I inhale quickly and deeply. Not just the air, but her. I fill with this longing, this wanting. It suddenly becomes so difficult to breathe that I have to pull away.

"Take me to your room," she says. And I can't say no.

"Shouldn't you call your mom?" I ask.

"I already told her I was sleeping over," she says with a smile.

"She didn't care?" I ask, surprised.

"She didn't care," she assures me.

I take her hand and tentatively lead her up the stairs. I stop halfway up and turn to face her. I'm scared. And she can see it. She cups my cheek in her hand. "Hey, princess." Her whisper is calming and reassuring. She steps into me and uses her body to gently lean me against the railing. She kisses me. That feeling again. I don't just want her. I need her. She pulls away and nudges me up the stairs.

We aren't even through the doorway when she kisses me again. We stumble into my room and without breaking apart she closes the door behind us. She slowly draws us over to my bed and she lowers herself onto it, bringing me with her. I lay almost on top of her, our legs intertwined. The kissing becomes so intense that breathing is impossible. But I don't care. My heart is racing. My head is racing. And just when I think I can't take it anymore she slides her hand up the back of my shirt. Her fingers touch my skin and I'm gone. I'm hers.

Suddenly there's a knock on the door and a soft utterance. "Jade? Tori?" It's Jordan. Tori and I break apart and jolt, sitting up straight. Jordan opens the door and walks in. "I can't sleep."

"Do you want some chamomile tea, sweetie?" I offer. He shakes his head.

"Can I sleep in here?" Jordan asks.

Tori looks over at me and I glimpse the tiniest moment of disappointment in her eyes.

"Of course you can," I say. Jordan climbs into the bed, right in between me and Tori.

I get up to turn the lights out while Tori and Jordan nestle under the covers. Jordan remains right in the center of the bed. It's almost completely dark, save for the street lights bleeding in through the windows. I get into my bed. It is already warm from the body heat. Small snores come from Jordan. I reach over his body and find Tori's hand. Our fingers lace together.

"Jade?" she whispers.

"Yeah?" I whisper back.

"I love you."

"I love you too."


	9. Chapter Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade and Tori met long before Tori's first day at Hollywood Arts. This is the story of who they once were. And how they came to be the people they are now. JORI. And unfortunate, yet circumstantially canon, minor Bade.

I wake up the next morning and while Jordan is gone, Tori is still here. She is asleep, on her stomach, next to me and her arm is draped over me. She must have moved over when Jordan left. I don't want to wake her up, but I reach my arms around her and pull her closer to me. A smile on my face I watch her sleep.

After a few minutes she wakes up and the first thing she does is kiss me. "Good morning, princess."

"Good morning," I say.

"I can't believe I get to wake up with you," she says.

"Me neither," I say. I never expected anything like this to happen. I never expected to fall in love so quickly. I never expected to be so happy waking up next to someone else. I never expected to be happy.

We go downstairs to find Jordan sitting on the couch. He is watching Enchanted again. Tori sits down next to him. "Want some breakfast?" I ask.

"Yes, please," Jordan responds without taking his eyes off the TV.

I go into the kitchen and start making eggs and toast. Tori follows me into the kitchen and starts setting the table. I don't know how, but she seems to instinctively know where everything is. I take a moment to watch her. Then I look over at Jordan. And I think "this is my family." And I can see this being my life. This is the perfect Sunday.

Tori finishes setting the table and comes up behind me and wraps her arms around me. I close my eyes and breathe in deeply. She reaches into my front pocket and pulls out my phone. She takes it with her and goes back to sit with Jordan.

"Breakfast time!" I shout over to them once I've filled all three plates with food and all three glasses with orange juice. Tori brings my phone with her. She sticks it back in my pocket as she kisses me on the cheek. I pull my phone out of my pocket and see that she has changed my wallpaper to the picture I took of her and Jordan on the couch. My heart fills. Then she shows me her phone. Her wallpaper is a picture of me playing dead on the hood of my car.

"The night we met," she says.

"I can't believe you took a picture," I say.

"I already knew who you would be to me," she starts. "I knew what you would mean to me."

I place a small kiss on her lips. I turn to sit down at the table and realize that Jordan is watching us with a big grin on his face.

"You guys are cute," he says. Tori and I just laugh as we sit down to eat breakfast.

The moment of bliss is almost immediately broken by the sound of the door opening. My mother and father both walk in, wheeling suitcases behind them.

"Who are you?" is the first thing my mother asks. She looks at Tori who kind of just freezes in place.

"That's Jade's -" Jordan excitedly starts speaking.

"Friend!" I harshly interrupt. "This is Tori. She's a friend of mine."

"Fine," my mother says. "Tori, would you mind asking your parents to pick you up? We have some important family things to take care of."

"Uh, yeah, sure," Tori says, visually flustered. And with that my perfect Sunday is ruined. Tori's mom arrives about twenty minutes later.

As Tori passes me on her way out she takes my hand for just a second and squeezes it. I mouth "sorry" at her and she just shrugs and slightly raises her eyebrows.

Tori is gone and I'm about to walk back into the kitchen when my phone dings. I pull it out of my pocket and smile briefly at the picture of Tori and Jordan. Then I see the name of the person who has texted me. Beck. "We need to talk."

I think about responding then I hear my mother shout out "Jade, get in here!" I shove my phone back in my pocket and go into the kitchen. "Sit down." I sit down at the kitchen table, right next to Jordan. Our parents lean with their backs against the kitchen counter.

"What's going on?" I ask.

"Your father will be going out of town for a business trip next week," my mother says. My father just stared at her with a scowl on his face. She looks at him, presumably to see if he would like to continue. Clearly he doesn't. "He'll be out of town for almost two months." My mother waits for some kind of reaction from anyone. Still nothing. "Okay, so here's the deal. Jade, you can stay here. Jordan, I honestly don't have the time, so you'll be going to stay with your uncle."

"What!?" I shout out. "Uncle Martin? He lives in San Francisco!"

"Yes he does," my mother says with no clear emotion in her voice. "Look, I just got a new client and I don't have time to -"

"You don't have time!?" I cut her off, screaming. "Time!? He's your son! Make the time!"

"Jade, I don't like your attitude." My mother says.

"My god, mother! This is so stupid." I am still screaming. I can hear my voice beginning to get hoarse. "You are so stupid!"

"Watch your mouth," my mother snaps back at me.

I get out of my chair, kneel on the ground in front of Jordan, and take both of his hands in mine. "Do you want to leave, J?"

"I want to stay with you, Jade," he answers.

"You heard him," I say to my mother.

"He's ten years old," she says. "He doesn't get to make this decision. It's only for two months."

"Please," I say. "Please don't send him away." My voice cracks and my eyes tear up. "Please," I beg. "Please." Jordan just stares at me in shock.

"Martin is coming on Thursday to pick him up," my mother says, ignore my pleading. "It's already settled."

I look at Jordan and see that a small tear is forming in his eye. I wrap my arms around him. "It'll be okay, J. It'll be okay." I look up at my parents. At my father, whose facial expression hasn't changed since the conversation began. And at my mother who is now clearing our dishes off the table as if nothing has happened.

"I don't even know who you guys are," I say to my mother and father.

"We're your parents," my father finally speaks.

I feel compelled to say something out loud, but I know I shouldn't. So I grit my teeth and I whisper as quietly as I can. "Well, you're not very good ones."


	10. Chapter Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade and Tori met long before Tori's first day at Hollywood Arts. This is the story of who they once were. And how they came to be the people they are now. JORI. And unfortunate, yet circumstantially canon, minor Bade.

I wake up with Jordan asleep next to me. I don't want to get up and get ready for school. I want to spend the next few days with Jordan before he leaves. I don't want him to leave. I had begged my parents to let me take care of him while my dad was away. I had begged them to let me go with him. But they weren't having it.

"Jordan," I whisper while gently nudging my brother. "We've gotta get ready for school." He rolls over and makes slight groaning noises for a few moments before sitting up straight.

"Can you drive me?" he asks.

"Of course I can," I answer. Jordan goes to take a shower and I check the text messages on my phone. One from Tori, "Good morning, princess." And one from Beck, "Can we talk during lunch? Meet me in the Black Box."

I ignore Beck's text for the time being and write to Tori. "Can we come over after school?"

"We?" she writes back almost instantly.

"Me and J." I respond.

"Yes please." She writes back.

I get ready for school and make sure Jordan is ready to go on time. Our parents are nowhere to be found. I think about how that's a good thing because I'd probably just scream at them again.

Jordan and I walk out to my car and he points out a piece of paper stuck under the windshield wiper.

"What's that?" he asks.

"I don't know," I answer as I walk around the car to get the piece of paper. It has my name written on the front, in perfect serifed letters. I vaguely recognize it as Tori's handwriting, but with the addition of small lines attached to the ends of every stroke. Jordan watches me as I open the piece of paper. There are only two words on it.

I'm yours.

"Is it from Tori?" Jordan asks me.

"Yes," I respond.

"I could tell because of the way your face lit up," he says. I laugh at myself for being so obvious. "Can I see her soon?"

"I'm actually going to pick you up from school and we're going over to her house," I inform him.

"Cool!" Jordan can't exactly conceal his excitement.

I tuck the note from Tori into my pocket and we get into my car. I drop Jordan off at his school and make my way to Hollywood Arts. I pull into the parking lot and see that Beck is standing in the spot I usually park in. I roll my eyes. "Great," I mutter under my breath.

He moves out of the way so I can pull into the spot. He grabs my wrist as I step out of my car.

"You haven't responded to any of my texts," he says.

"I've been busy," I say.

"Yeah," he says. He looks right at me. "I heard." I freeze. I'm woken up by a ding coming from my phone. Beck looks at my phone and I quickly pull hide it behind my back. I turn around to catch a quick glimpse of it. A text message from Tori. Brhind that notification the picture of Tori and Jordan. I look at Beck and I know that he saw the picture, even if just for a second.

"Was that her?" he asks. I put my phone in my pocket and look up at him. I can't respond. "What, are you gay now?" I still can't respond. "Is that why you broke up with me?"

"I... no... Beck, I," I'm finally able to speak.

"Don't answer that," he says.

"Okay," I say. I don't have an answer for him anyway.

"I thought we were going to get back together," he confesses.

"Why would you think that?" I ask.

"Because we always get back together," he says.

"Not this time, Beck." I say firmly. He looks like he is about to say something. I turn away and walk into school.

My first instinct is to go find Cat. But then I remember that she must have been the one who told Beck.

Once I get inside I pull my phone out to check the text I'd received from Tori. Before reading the text I take a second to look at the picture of Tori and Jordan. I smile then change the wallpaper back to the generic Pear Phone default.

I read the text from Tori. "Hope you have a great day, princess."

I quickly write back. "You too."

I walk to my locker and grab the books I need for my first class. I get to my US History class and walk into a room of people who stare at me. I watch as twenty sets of eyes follow me as I walk over to a seat near the window. The teacher walks in and the glares fade. But I'm left with the stares burned into me. I can still feel them. And I know why they're staring. I make a mental note to find Cat and confront her.

I don't need to look very hard. Class ends and I head back to my locker. Cat is standing right in front of it, waiting for me.

"Hey Jade!" she shouts as I walk over. She is her normal, bubbly self.

I approach her with every intention of keeping my cool. She tries to hug me but I gently push her away. He huge smile fades to a frown.

"Are you okay?" Cat asks me.

"No," I say, "I'm not."

"What's wrong?" she asks obliviously.

"Cat," I start. "You told everyone."

"Told everyone what?" she asks.

"What we talked about," I try to explain. No recognition in her eyes. "When we went for lunch." She still has a confused look on her face. "I told you about that girl I met. And I told you not to tell anyone and instead you told everyone!" She finally seems to get it.

"I didn't tell everyone!" she defends.

"You promised you wouldn't tell anyone." I remind her.

"I only told Beck and Andre and Robbie," Cat says.

"Cat!" I come so close to screaming at her. So close to screaming at this girl who is supposed to be my best friend.

"Jade, I'm sorry," she tries to apologize.

"Cat," I speak her name, my voice louder than before.

"I didn't mean to," Cat says. "It just came out."

"Cat," I say again, this time shaking my head.

"I'm sorry," Cat says.

I can't hear it anymore. She broke a promise. She betrayed me. I've been holding back but it fills me up too much. I need to let go.

"NO!" I scream at her. This is the first time I've ever screamed at someone who wasn't my parents. It scares me a bit, but I'm surprised by the small extent to which it does. I'm surprised by how it doesn't feel as bad as I thought it might. Then I look up at Cat. She looks terrified. She looks like she's going to cry.

"Ki-,” I try to use my nickname for her, but I just can’t. She’s not my Kitty Cat anymore. And she's gone. I watch as she runs down the hallway. I'm left to think about what just happened. Her betrayal. My reaction. Left to think about our friendship and what it could mean anymore.


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade and Tori met long before Tori's first day at Hollywood Arts. This is the story of who they once were. And how they came to be the people they are now. JORI. And unfortunate, yet circumstantially canon, minor Bade.

I ignore my friends for the rest of the day, opting to spend lunch in the library. Pretending I don’t see the stares still thrown my way. The last bell finally rings and I am so out of there. I grab the books I need from my locker and practically run to my car. I stop to grab a cup of coffee before picking up Jordan. I sit in the parking lot of his school for almost twenty minutes, waiting for him to come out. I check my phone every few seconds but it makes no sound. No calls, no new texts.

Jordan runs up to my car and gets in. He turns the radio on and tunes through a few different stations before settling on one. We listen to a slew of Top 40s songs as we drive up to Tori's house in the Hollywood Hills. Just as we turn onto Tori's street that song comes on the radio. The one she had played in my car the night we met. And for a second I can feel her next to me. I look over and she's not there. I look in the rear view mirror to see Jordan in the backseat, singing along and dancing as much as he can while trapped in the backseat of a car by a seatbelt.

I park out front of Tori's house. We walk up to the door and Tori is outside waiting for us. Like she somehow knew we were there. Jordan runs up to her. She kneels down to the ground and they embrace. Once they've let go she walks over and greets me with a kiss.

"No one's home," she says. "It's just us."

"Good," I say with a smile.

We go inside and we all curl up on the couch. Tori makes some popcorn and we settle in to watch a movie. Tori sits sideways and tucks her legs under mine.

At some point during the movie my phone dings. I pull it out of my pocket and see Beck's name on the screen. Tori takes a quick peek.

"You changed the picture," she comments with the slightest frown and a tinge of disappointment in her voice.

"I'm sorry," I say. "I had to. Beck saw the picture for a second. My friend told everyone about us. Everyone at school was staring at me all day. I just - "

"It's okay, princess," she cuts me off. She leans over and kisses my forehead. "I understand."

"You do?" I ask.

"I do," she answers. Jordan perks up at those words and looks over at us.

"Jade!" Jordan shouts out my name. "Now you say "I do" and you guys can be married!" Tori and I look at each other. And though we laugh our cheeks turn bright pink. She takes both of my hands in hers.

"I do," I say, playing along but rolling my eyes.

"I now pronounce you wife and wife!" Jordan shouts. "You may kiss the bride." I pull Tori in for a long kiss. Jordan claps and cheers. Tori moves closer to me and nuzzles her head into the crook of my neck. She pulls my hand up and kisses my palm.

We all turn back to the movie and I take the chance to read the text from Beck.

“We still need to talk.” It says. I read it in his voice. 

I write back immediately. “There’s nothing to talk about, Beck. I’d like for us to be friends but I understand if you can’t handle that. Let me know.”

My phone dings again. “I don’t know if I can.”

I’m a little hurt, to be honest. I was hoping Beck and I could be friends. But if he doesn’t know; there’s nothing I can do about that.

Tori’s mom gets home just as the movie is ending. “Hey Jade!” she says as she enters the living room.

“Hey Mrs. Vega,” I greet her.

“And who is this handsome fellow?” she asks as she walks over to Jordan.

“I’m Jordan,” Jordan says politely. “I’m Jade’s brother.”

“Well, Jordan,” Mrs. Vega says. “Would you like some ice cream?”

“Yes, please!” Jordan almost shouts. Jordan begins to follow Tori’s mom into the kitchen, but I stop him before he leaves.

"Hey, J," I say as I gently touch my brother’s shoulder. "Tori and I need to talk about a few things."

"We can go upstairs?” Tori suggests.

"Suuuuure," Jordan says, being himself and thinking he knows everything. "You need to talk." He uses his fingers to put air quotes around the word "talk."

"Yeah, J. We need to talk.” I repeat myself. Jordan lets out a laugh. “You’ll be okay?”

“Yep!” Jordan says. He runs into the kitchen and I can hear him excitedly tell Mrs. Vega that Tori and I got married. I can’t help but laugh.

Tori leads me upstairs by her left hand connected to my right. She pulls me into her bedroom. The second the door shuts behind us her lips collide with mine.

I pull away. “I really do need to talk to you.”

“Okay,” she says, but she remains kissing me. And for a few moments I allow myself to fall into it. Into her. But it's all gone too soon and I realize that I'm crying. She notices too. She pulls away from me briefly before wrapping me in a hug. The hug is too much though, and suddenly I'm crying even harder.

"They're taking him away," the words breathlessly fall out of my mouth as I crumble to the floor. Tori kneels down next to me and runs her fingers through my hair.

"Who's taking who away?" she asks, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Jordan," I whimper. "They're taking him. My parents, they're sending him away."

"Oh, honey," she coos as she takes my hand. I squeeze her hand, maybe a little too hard. But this is the first time I am letting myself really cry about Jordan leaving.

"They said it'll only be for two months but I don't believe them," I say, despite how hard it is to get the words out of my mouth. I can sense that Tori doesn't know what to say. But feeling her presence next to me is enough. After a few minutes I'm able to compose myself a bit. She helps me to my feet and sits me down on the edge of the bed. She stands in front of me and I just wrap my arms around her and pull her down with me.

"Can you just hold me?" I ask. "For like... a minute?"

"Of course," she answers as she cuddles up to me.

"I feel so lame," I say with the tiniest of self deprecating laughs.

“No, princess,” Tori whispers to me, her lips almost touching my ear. “You are perfect.” She kisses the skin behind my ear and I almost feel okay.

“We should go play with Jordan,” I say as I reluctantly pull away from Tori.

“Yeah,” she agrees. We stand up and head toward the door. Before we make it out of her room she takes my hand and pulls me in for a kiss. “It’s going to be okay. I promise.”


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade and Tori met long before Tori's first day at Hollywood Arts. This is the story of who they once were. And how they came to be the people they are now. JORI. And unfortunate, yet circumstantially canon, minor Bade.

It is Thursday afternoon and I’m sitting in my last class, dying. Tonight will be my last night with Jordan for who knows how long. It’s been a couple of days and people still stare at me when I pass by. It’s getting harder and harder to control my urge to scream at them the way I screamed at Cat the last time we spoke. And all I want to do is go home. Jordan stayed at home today to finish packing. I begged my parents to let me stay, but they wouldn’t let me. I considered skipping school. I even asked Tori to ditch and spend the day with me. She had two tests and I needed something to take my mind off of everything. So she went her school and I went to mine.

She had spent most of the day, between classes, sending me texts assuring me I’ll be okay and that she’ll be there for me. They always included several heart emoticons at the end. I had smiled every time I’d received one of these texts. But as the day went on my smile had gotten smaller and smaller. Its size decreasing so that with the text I read before going into Sikowitz’s class, my last class of the day, it wasn’t even there. I was left with just the feeling of wanting to smile, without being able to.

“Drive by acting exercise!” I hear Sikowitz shout out. I tune the rest out. I see my classmates run around the room, but I don't exactly know why.

The bell rings and I grab my bag and sprint to my car, not even bothering to stop by my locker. I hadn't planned on doing any homework anyway. I drive well over the speed limit the entire way to my house. I ran a few stop signs and I may have even almost hit another car. I get to my house, slam the gear shifter into break, and run into my house.

Uncle Martin is sitting on the couch. "Hey, darling!" he says as he stands up and walks over to hug me. I don't allow my body to respond. I know it's not his fault, but I can't help it.

"Yeah," I mumble as he lets go.

My dad goes to pick up Chinese food and we all sit around the kitchen table for dinner. My parents and Uncle Martin engage in jovial conversation while Jordan and I sulk. But there conversation is too happy. None of them care what they are doing to Jordan. What they are doing to me. I can't hold it in.

"What is wrong with you people?" I scream, my outburst surprising everyone.

"Jade!" my mother shouts back at me.

I continue screaming. "Seriously! You are all sitting around talking like nothing is wrong with this!"

"We're doing what we need to do, Jade," my mother says in an almost calm sounding voice. "There's nothing wrong with that.’

"Everything is wrong with that!" I scream. I look straight at my mother. "You are sending your son away. Because you don't want to have to take care of him!"

Then silence. My mother says nothing. My father sits there with no discernible emotion on his face. Uncle Martin looks embarrassed. And Jordan has begun crying. I kneel next to Jordan and pull him into a hug. He grasps onto me.

"Look what you are doing to him," I say, my voice noticeably lower than it had been. "To us."

Still my parents say nothing. After a while Jordan stops crying and we all settle back in and continue eating.

"Honey," my mom addresses me like all of the screaming hadn't happened. Her use of a pet name makes me cringe. "Tell Martin about that showcase you have coming up at your school."

"It's just a thing," I begrudgingly answer her. "I don't even think I'm going to perform."

My mom ignores me. "The kids all perform songs and dances and scenes," she says. "It's wonderful."

"You've never even been to it," I remind her.

"Well, yes," she admits. "But Beck showed me that video of you singing last year. You were wonderful."

"Yeah..." I say.

"Where has Beck been?" she asks. "I haven't seen him around."

"We broke up," I tell her.

"Oh no!" my mother says. She actually seems concerned. "Ah, well. This has happened before. You'll get back together in no time."

"No," I say. "We won't."

"Of course you will," my mother urges. "Don't worry, honey. I'm sure he'll forgive you for whatever you did."

And that is it. That is the last straw. I stand up and kick my chair away from me. The real screaming match begins.

"I did nothing, mother!" I scream. "Nothing that would need to be forgiven!"

"Then why the hell aren't you with him? Get back with him!" my mother screams back at me. I don't understand why it could possibly matter to her.

"We're not getting back together!" I scream, my voice nearly cracking.

"Why not?" she screams.

"What does it matter?" I ask, my voice fading with every syllable.

"Just tell me!" she shouts. I look into her eyes and I think I see something there. I cant help but feel like she's baiting me. Like she's trying to get me to admit what she already knows. I'm so angry. So upset. Already losing my voice. On the verge of tears. And I give in.

"Because I'm in love with someone else!" my voice fills the entire room with hostile sound.

"Who?" my mother screams, egging me on.

"Tori!" I scream as loud a I can. My voice gives out. I attempt to scream more but only every other word comes out. The words that do come out sound like gravel. "She's perfect! I'm in love with her! And she's a girl!"

"Get out of my house!" my mother's angry voice tears right through me. I do my best to stare her down. She screams again. "Now!" I don't even bother to fight her. My throat hurts and I'm just too exhausted. Emotionally and physically.

I stand up and grab Jordan's hand. I start to pull him with me toward the front door. My mother shouts out "NO!" I can hear my voice in hers. It's exactly how I had screamed at Cat.

I stop and stare at my mother. She doesn't even blink. Hatred boils up inside if me. And in a rash fit of anger I do the most selfish, spiteful thing I've ever done. Without looking at Jordan I drop his hand. Turn around. And I leave.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade and Tori met long before Tori's first day at Hollywood Arts. This is the story of who they once were. And how they came to be the people they are now. JORI. And unfortunate, yet circumstantially canon, minor Bade.

I begin walking down the street. I don't have my car keys so I don't have a way of getting anywhere. I pull my phone put of my pocket and call Tori.

"Hey, princess," she says as she picks up. I almost cringe at the pet name. I truly don't feel like a princess right now.

"Umm," I say, my voice wavering, "is there any chance you could come pick me up?"

She hears my tone. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I say instinctively.

"Well I'm with my mom," She says. "We're dropping my sister off at a friend’s house. Hold on a second, let me ask.” I listen as she speaks to her mom. "Can we go pick up Jade?"

"Is she okay?" Mrs. Vega asks.

Tori's voice changes to a whisper. I can tell she is trying to cover her phone with her hand. But I still hear a muffled “I don't know."

"Of course we can pick her up," Mrs. Vega says.

"Jade?" Tori asks, her voice much louder.

"Yeah," I answer.

"We'll come pick you up," she says. "Where are you?"

"Meet me at our coffee shop?" I suggest.

"Okay, we'll be there in like twenty," she says. Then after a moment of silence she speaks again. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Honestly?" I answer. "I don't know."

"Okay," she says with a note of concern in her voice.

"Okay," I say.

"I'll see you soon, princess," she says.

"Please don't call me that," I say as gently as I can.

"Okay," she says again.

"Okay," I repeat. "Thank you."

"I love you," she offers up.

"I love you too," I say.

Tori and her mom pick me up at the coffee shop and we all drive back to their house. Tori reaches out to me in the backseat and holds my hand through the whole ride. I'm grateful that Tori's mom doesn't ask me any questions. I don't even know how I would answer.

As we pull into the driveway Mrs. Vega asks me one innocuous question. "Would you like to stay here tonight?" I love how she asks me that as if it were entirely her idea. She doesn't ask if I'm planning on staying over or if I need somewhere to sleep. She just invites me to stay. I sit in the backseat of her car and wonder what it would be like to have a mom like her.

"That would be great," I say, "thank you." Tori squeezes my hand as she looks back at me and smiles.

When we get inside Mrs. Vega makes us some tea. Once Tori and I settle in on the couch Mrs. Vega bids us goodnight and heads upstairs.

"I like how she doesn't even bother to offer to make up a bed on the couch or anything," I comment.

"Well we do have a guest room," Tori says. "Would you like to sleep in there?"

"No," I say. She smiles. "I want to sleep wih you."

"Good," she says. "I think she just assumed you would be."

"She really doesn't care?" I ask. "I mean... that you would have someone you are dating sleep in your bed with you?"

"Actually I think she's just excited that I'm with a girl," she says. "I mean, she loves you! But I think she's genuinely happy that she doesn't have to worry about me getting pregnant." She laughs a little bit. I try to join in but I just can't. Tori notices. "Jade... What's going on?"

"My mother, she..." I start to speak but I don't exactly know what to say. I decide to just go for it. Let it all spill out. My words run together and my voice is hoarse. "She's such a bitch and she screamed at me and we were fighting and she asked about Beck and I told her about us and I guess she kicked me out of the house and I didn't say bye to Jordan and everything is just a mess."

Tori leans over and puts one arm around me. My body tenses. She pulls her arm away. "I'm sorry," she apologizes.

"No," I say. "I'm sorry. I'm just so mad at myself. I need to see Jordan before he leaves."

"We can wake up really early and drive over there," she suggests. "I'm sure my mom will let us use her car. We can go block the driveway and we won't let them leave until you say bye. Okay?"

"Okay," I submit. "We should try to go to sleep early, then."

"Great idea," she says. "Come upstairs. I'll get you some pajamas."

We go up to Tori's room. As we walk she is being very careful to not touch me. I see her hand almost rising to touch my shoulder, then the small of my back, then my own hand. She almost touches me but sighs and quickly withdraws. After the third attempt I grab her hand. I pull it up to my mouth and plant a gentle kiss on its palm before squeezing it. I don't have to look at her to know that she is smiling.

We make it to her room and she grabs me a pair of purple pajamas. They're covered in planets and stars. The entire solar system encompassing my body. It reminds me of the night we met.

 

We had stayed out on the beach for a while. Alternating between kissing and just staring up at the stars.

"I'm thinking of getting on a sail boat and just sailing away," she had mused. "Want to come with?"

"Yes," I had replied instantly. I hadn't even needed to think about. She had me wrapped around her finger. I was hers.

"We could just sail anywhere," she had said. "And watch the stars, the planets, everything. There's so much out there and I've seen none of it."

I had smiled and kissed her, tasting a few pieces of sand on her lips.

 

"Where are you?" Tori asks me, pulling me out of the memory I had lost myself in.

"I'm here," I say uncertainly. We sit next to each other on her bed, our backs pressed against the headboard.

"Are you?" she asks, unconvinced.

I use my arms to lift myself up, over, and onto her. I lift one leg over her and sit on my knees, trying not to put too much weight on her stomach. I notice how skinny she is and I'm suddenly afraid of crushing her. I pull my hair back and flip it all over my right shoulder. She reaches up and tucks the stray hairs behind my ear. We don’t say anything for a while. I look into her eyes and I can see every planet in them. Every star. Everything.

She props herself up on her elbows. Suddenly she captures my lips with hers, a bit more intensely than I had expected her to. And immediately that feeling again.

I pull away briefly, already losing control of my breath. "I'm right here," I assure her. I am definitely right here.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade and Tori met long before Tori's first day at Hollywood Arts. This is the story of who they once were. And how they came to be the people they are now. JORI. And unfortunate, yet circumstantially canon, minor Bade.

I had only gotten to this point once before. I had stayed at Beck's one night. We had had a little bit to drink and my mother, doing one caring thing, hadn't wanted me to drive home. Beck and I had been lying in his bed and he had kissed me. Things had heated up quickly. And as we shirtlessly rolled around in his bed I began thinking. My mind took over my body and I stopped him. I had apologized. Telling him I was sorry but I wasn't ready. It wasn't time.

But now, with Tori, it's different. There is this sense of urgency. Like anything that might happen could not happen soon enough. Each touch lingers longer. Each kiss harder. Each breath shorter.

She takes the bottom hem of my pajama shirt with her hand and begins to pull it slightly up. "Are you okay?" she asks. And I know she's not asking if I'm okay. She's asking for permission.

"Yes," I say, the word almost buried in a deep exhalation. She kisses me before quickly pulling my shirt off and tossing it aside. With it goes the night sky. Constellations. The entire universe. And she is the only thing left.

She pulls me down onto her and runs her fingers down my bare back. Her fingernails gently press in and my body reacts instantly. I try but am unable to hold back the moan that escapes from my mouth.

She almost aggressively pushes me over so I'm on my back, then rolls herself on top of me. She somehow remains kissing me the whole time. She only has to stop kissing me for two seconds so she can pull her own shirt off over her head.

"You've done this before," I say quietly when we take a moment to breathe.

"I promise you I haven't," she responds.

"You know exactly what you're doing," I point out.

"I really don't," she says. She can see that I'm skeptical. She looks into my eyes and raises her eyebrows slightly. "You're my first." And I believe her.

She lays down next to me, though her legs still wrap around mine. She tenderly takes my hand in one of hers. With the other she begins to trace indeterminate letters on my stomach.

"See if you can guess what I'm writing," she says.

I watch as she draws a line over my belly button. "A line?" I ask.

"They're letters!" she exclaims with a laugh. "And you can't look, that's cheating." She tickles my stomach as she speaks and it makes me giggle. "Okay," she says. "Close your eyes. We're trying this again."

I close my eyes. She traces a line across my belly button again.

"I," I say. She continues and I guess the next letters. "L. O. N?"

"Try again," she says.

"V?" I ask.

"V," she confirms.

I realize what she's writing. "E. Y. O. U." As he runs her finger over my skin I mindlessly say the letters out loud. I think about what she is physically writing. How she's already written this all over me. All over my body. My heart. My whole world.

"Should I go back and add serifs?" she jokingly asks.

"Tori," I whisper.

"Jade," she whispers back.

I try to return the sentiment. "I love y-" but my words are interrupted by my body reacting quickly and severely to Tori's touch. She has run her finger along my lower stomach, just above the top hem of my pants. I inhale sharply and every muscle in my body contracts. My eyes involuntarily shut. I can feel as she tentatively tugs on the drawstring of my pajama pants.

"Are you okay?" she asks me, the same way she had earlier.

"Yes," I say breathlessly.

She pulls the drawstring and loosens the pants' grip on my hips. She leans over and kisses me. First softly, then a bit harder. Then so I think my head may explode.

She briefly pulls away. "Are you sure?"

"Yes!" I almost shout. I grab the back of her neck with one hand and pull her back to me. "Oh my god, yes!"


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade and Tori met long before Tori's first day at Hollywood Arts. This is the story of who they once were. And how they came to be the people they are now. JORI. And unfortunate, yet circumstantially canon, minor Bade.

I wake up and my first feeling is warmth. Tori is still here. Our naked bodies are wrapped around eachother's. And in that first second I feel comfortable. Happy. Safe. Those feelings are almost instantly taken over by panic. I jump out of bed, waking Tori in the process, and run over to where I had left my clothes the night before.

"Jade," Tori calls out to me as I frantically get dressed. I don't respond. "Jade!" she shouts.

"Tori, stop!" I shout back at her. "We have to go! Jordan!"

"Jade!" she shouts again. Her voice reverberates through the entire room, causing me to pause halfway through putting my shirt on. She gets out of bed, walks over to me, and finishes pulling my shirt down for me. She leans in to kiss me but I turn away to grab my socks and shoes.

"Please get dressed," I request.

"Okay," she says.

"Okay," I repeat.

We are fully dressed and are half running down the stairs. Tori grabs the keys to her mom's car from the counter and we go into the garage.

"Don't you have to ask?" I wonder.

"I'll ask later," she says with a smirk.

She tosses me the keys. "Shouldn't you drive?" I ask as I toss the keys back to her. "It's your mom's car."

She tosses them right back. "I don't have a driver's license." I want to ask why she doesn't have a driver's license but I'm too focused on getting out of here and getting to my house before Jordan leaves. We get into Tori's mom's car and I look at the clock on the dashboard. 11:11.

I am reminded of the night we met. I'd asked Tori to play me that song a few times since then. Her lyrics make my brain dizzy. She had told me that she wrote that song for me. I had asked how that was possible. When she wrote that song she hadn't even met me yet. "Yeah," she had said. "But I could feel you. I knew I would meet you soon.

"How?" I had asked.

"I don't know," she had admitted.

I sing the lyrics in my head. "So make a wish on a shooting star or a clover, any time when you're falling hard then it's over. Take a risk and look in my direction. Make a wish it's 11:11."

"Jade!" Tori shouts as she reaches over to grab the steering wheel. I don't even remember having started the car, much less being almost halfway to my house. I hear a car horn and realize that I've drifted out of the lane and have almost hit a black Jeep. I veer back into my lane as quickly as I can and open my eyes wide. Tori takes her hands off the wheel and places one on my shoulder. My body tenses. I want to shake her off of me but I allow her to keep her hand resting there. More for her than for me.

Thoughts take over my mind again. This time I make certain to pay attention to the road. But still I think about the last twelve days. I think about how this girl just spun into my world seemingly out of nowhere and had become the second most important thing to me. I think about the fight with my mom and how she kicked me out of the house. I think about how Tori immediately took me in. I think about how we spent the night. How close we were.

And then I think about Jordan. About how he may already be gone. I press my foot down on the pedal even harder and the car jumps into an abrupt acceleration. Tori, scared, grabs onto the handle on the passenger side door. I fleetingly want to apologize but the feeling passes quickly.

We make it to my house. An empty driveway. My uncle's black Jeep is gone. And with it; my brother.

"No!" I scream out. The anger in my voice startles Tori. I get out of the car and run up to the front door. Tori follows me. I try the doorknob and find that the door is unlocked. I slam it open so hard that the whole doorway shakes. My parents are sitting in the kitchen. They're eating lunch. My mother is talking like nothing is wrong.

"Where is he?" I scream across the living room.

"What is she doing here?" my mother asks, pointing at Tori, not even bothering to get up from the kitchen table.

"Did they leave?" I scream back at her, disregarding her question.

"They left," my mother answers. "And you should too." She looks back at Tori. "Take her with you. She is not allowed in my house."

I spot my car keys on the table by the couch and grab them.

"You will not take that car," my mother says. "That car belongs to us. I will call the police if you take that car. " I shoot her a glare, making sure she knows that I heard her and don't care.

With my free hand I grab Tori's hand, a little more roughly than I mean to. I drag her back out to the car. "Close the door!" I hear my mother shout out at me. Instead I kick it open even further until it slams against the wall. To my dismay the door ricochets quickly and slams shut.

"Jade," Tori says in what would usually be a soothing voice. I don't respond.

I unlock my car and get in. Tori climbs into the passenger seat next to me. "Tori," I say, trying to hold some composure. "Take your mom's car and go home."

"No," she says.

"Tori, you have to go. You've already missed half a day of school." I say.

"I don't care," Tori says. "Let's get going."

"Tori!" I shout. "You are not a part of this."

"I am a part of this," she replies. "And I'm staying with you."

"Tori, get out of my car!" I scream at her. I expect her to recoil but instead she takes my hand.

"I am a part of this," she starts. "I became a part of this when you walked into that coffee shop. When you ran out of there and pretended you were dead on the hood of this car. This car we've spent so much time in. When we first kissed on the beach and I thought..." She lets her words drain out. "And last night when I let myself get closer to you than I thought I'd ever let myself get to another person." I'm surprised by what she is saying. She always seems so confident and cool. "I am a part of this whether you like it or not. I am a part of you. I didn't have a choice. I'm here. And I'm staying with you."

She leans over and kisses me on my cheek. She drops my hand and pulls out her phone. "They're probably taking the 101 to the 405 to the 5." She presses the screen of her phone a few times. "Take a left out of your driveway."

"I know how to get to the 101," I say.

"Okay," she says.

"Okay."


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade and Tori met long before Tori's first day at Hollywood Arts. This is the story of who they once were. And how they came to be the people they are now. JORI. And unfortunate, yet circumstantially canon, minor Bade.

We've made it to I-5 and are nearing the Grapevine when traffic comes to a halt. "Oh, come on!" I shout out the window at no one in particular.

"It's okay," Tori says. "If we're stuck in traffic it means they're stuck in traffic too."

"I know," I concede. "It just makes me really anxious."

"It's okay," she says again. She places her hand on my shoulder and I shrug it off. "Jade."

"I can't," I say. "Just, not right now. I can't." I look over to see a frown on Tori's face. She turns to face straight ahead and slumps into her seat. "I'm sorry," I whisper. She doesn't respond.

We sit in near silence. The radio is on but it's at a very low volume. Songs come on and I can hear her breaths right before the first lines. She wants to sing along, but is making the decision to not. I can tell she is struggling but I don't tell her it's okay to sing. I just wouldn't be able to handle it right now. We only make it halfway through the Grapevine in the next hour. My hands have started shaking.

I can feel it before I hear it. Sirens. I can feel it before I see it. The cars around me are going even slower. Drivers and passengers are facing the right side of the road. There on the side of the road are two cars. One a yellow truck. The front half of it propped up by the car underneath it. The other car, upside down. One tire missing. All of the windows smashed in. A black Jeep.

I paralyze.

Tori is standing next to me. She opens the driver's side door and pulls me out of the car. The car is in park, the emergency brake up. The car is off. I see the keys in Tori's hand instead of the ignition. I no longer hear sirens but I can still feel them ringing through me.

I am standing on the side of the road, watching police officers pull two people out of the Jeep. One large body. And one small one. They place the small body on a stretcher and lift it into the back of an ambulance.

"Wait!" I hear Tori shout out. "That's her brother." She takes my hand and pulls me over to the ambulance.

I'm in the back of an ambulance. I'm holding my brother's hand. He is unconscious and covered in blood.

I am in a hospital. I'm screaming and kicking and pounding on a wall, tears streaming down my face. I reach up to wipe them away and stain my face with my brother's staling blood.

I am still screaming and crying but I'm curled up in a ball on the ground. Tori tries to lift me up but I push her away. She falls back onto the ground. She scoots back over to me and crosses her legs.

I'm sitting in a chair in the waiting room. Tori is sitting in the chair next to me. I'm still crying but it's no longer a violent cry. A soft, slow flow of tears.

A doctor walks into the waiting room. "Is anyone here for the young boy in the car accident?" The grim look on his face is hard to make out through my swollen eyelids, but I can see it well enough to not want to respond.

I'm in a hospital bed. There's an IV in my arm, pumping a clear liquid into my system. Tori's mom is sitting in a chair against the wall. 

"Jade?" she asks.

I'm in my own bed. The sun is up. My phone is ringing. I look at the time. 9:13. Tori's name flashes across the screen. I don't pick up. I overhear my parents talking out in the hallway.

"We'll do the funeral on Tuesday," my mother says.

"Great, I still have to leave on Wednesday," my father responds.

"I know," my mother says.

I wake up, still in my bed. My phone dings, a text message from Beck. The clock on my phone reads 1:34. I hear my mother screaming downstairs.

"Get out of my house!" she shouts.

"I need to see Jade!" I've never heard such anger in Tori's voice.

"Well that's not going to happen," my mother spits back at her.

"I love her and I want to take care of her," Tori screams.

"I'm her mother," my mother responds. "I can take care of her just fine."

"You kicked her out of the house," Tori shouts.

I wake up. It's dark outside. My phone says it's 8:48. Two missed calls from Tori. One missed call from Beck. Seven texts from Tori. Two from Beck. One from Andre.

I delete the ones from Beck without reading them. I ignore Tori's for now. I read Andre's. "You missed two days of school. You okay? If I don't hear from you I'm coming over at 9." I look at the time again. 8:50. I close my eyes and stretch my arm across my bed.

Tori's hand is in mine. Jordan's body underneath our arms.

"Jade?" Tori whispers.

"Yeah?" I whisper back.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

Tori's hand is gone. Jordan's body is gone. I'm alone again.

I hear a knock on my door.

"Jade?" Andre's voice. I try to invite him in but no noise comes from my mouth. "Jade?" I sit up in my bed and throw my phone at the door. Andre opens the door and looks at the phone on the ground. He picks it up and tosses it back to me. "You're gonna want that."

I try to smile but my lips don't move.

"I talked to your mom when she let me in," he says. "I'll be there on Tuesday. We'll all be there."

He sits down on the bed next to me and puts his hand on mine. It only takes a second for me to break down again. As I cry I slowly fall, face forward, onto the floor. He just leans over and keeps his hand on my shoulder.

"We'll be there," he says slowly.


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade and Tori met long before Tori's first day at Hollywood Arts. This is the story of who they once were. And how they came to be the people they are now. JORI. And unfortunate, yet circumstantially canon, minor Bade.

It's Tuesday morning and I'm alone in my bedroom, standing in front of the full length mirror on my closet door. I wear a black dress. I've always worn mostly black but right now I see just how much it suits me.

"Jade, are you ready?" I hear my mother's voice from out in the hallway. "We have to go."

I almost want to respond but I haven't spoken since I blew my voice out from screaming at the hospital. I don't feel like now is the right time to start. I meet my mother in the kitchen and grab an apple before getting in the back seat of her car.

We drive, in silence, to a cemetery a few miles away. The drive only takes about twenty minutes but it feels like longer. It feels like my mother is driving me to my own death. My own funeral.

The first person I see is Andre. He is standing in a black suit, holding a bouquet of yellow flowers. He walks over to me and kisses me on the cheek.

"Hey," he says. I tentatively nod my head at him. I see Beck, Cat, and Robbie standing behind him. They all look at me and nod their heads. I don't respond.

My mother calls me over. She is standing next to a small casket. I see in it a hundred lives. A hundred tears that have already been cried. A hundred years that will never be the same. I close my eyes and when I finally open them I see tears dotting the faces of everyone around.

My grandmother, my aunt and her husband, Jordan's dance instructor, even my mother allows one tear to grace her cheek, Cat, Andre, and Beck. And for a second I think I see Tori out of the corner of my eye. But how could she have known? I haven't responded to any of her text messages or calls. I turn to my right and realize that it's one of my cousins. I also realize that the tears I hadn't noticed escaping my eyes are obscuring my vision.

Suddenly Andre steps up behind me and nudges me forward. He stands behind me, reaches his arms around me takes my hand, using his to guide mine to pick up a shovel. I can barely move. I know what this means. I let him do the work, knowing that his body pressed against my back is the only thing keeping me from falling to the ground. We use the shovel to pick up some dirt and dump it into the grave that now holds Jordan's casket. My brother's body.

"Thank you," I say to Andre as he leads me away. The words just barely make it out. My voice sounds like gravel.

I look across the way and see Beck trying to give me an encouraging smile. I quickly avert my eyes. I want to appreciate it but it's just too much for me right now.

I don't even know why I've let Andre be so nice to me. We've never been that close. But maybe that's why. Maybe it needed to be someone not so close. Someone detached.

My world turns into a blur and suddenly I'm back in my house, surrounded by people eating off of clear plastic plates and drinking brightly colored cocktails and dark beers.

My aunt Rita comes up to me. "How are you holding up?" she asks me. I shrug my shoulders and bite the inside of my bottom lip. "Well, we're all here for you."

"Thanks," I whisper.

"Take this," she says and she hands me a plastic cup filled with a clear liquid. "It might help. For a little while, anyway."

I hold the cup up to my lips and drink a bit more than I mean to. Vodka. It grates against my throat as it goes down and forces me to cough a few times. My aunt leaves without another word. I look around and see my mother on the other side of the room. I turn to face away from her and drink the rest of the contents of the cup. I walk over to the kitchen counter to get a refill.

"Hey," Beck says as he approaches me.

"Not now, Beck," I say. "Please."

"Jade, I -" he starts.

"Beck, why are you even here?" I ask.

"I was friends with Jordan, you know. And I still care about you," he says.

"That doesn't mean anything anymore," I say.

"Remember I told you about my friend Henry?" he asks.

"Who?" I ask, not quite sure what he is talking about. Not quite sure I'm interested in hearing the story anyway.

"My friend Henry," Beck repeats. "We were best friends. He died when we were eight years old. He and his mom were shot down one night on Hollywood Boulevard. My mom told me the next morning and I thought I would never be able to breathe again. But eventually I regained my breath. You don't forget. You never forgive the world for letting it happen. But you move on."

"You move on?" I lash out at him. "You move on! Of course! I'll just move on." I put my cup on the counter and grab the half empty bottle of vodka instead. I turn to walk away and Beck grabs my hand. I shake his hand off but turn to face him.

"You move on, Jade," he says. His eyes set on mine. "You move on because you have to."

I turn around and walk away without a word.

I don't even wait until I'm up the stairs to take a chug from the bottle of vodka. I make it to the door to my room and put my hand on the door knob. I hear the slightest noise coming from a room down the hall. Jordan's room. I walk up to the door and take a deep breath before gently pushing it open. My father sits tentatively on the end of Jordan's bed. He holds a bottle of whiskey in his hand. I walk up to him and clink our bottles together. We raise our bottles to our lips and take simultaneous drinks.

"You shouldn't be drinking that," he says.

"I know," I say as I take another swig. I can feel the alcohol flowing freely through me. I can already feel its effects.

"I didn't want him to leave, you know," my father blurts out. "It was your mother."

"I know," I repeat myself.

He stands up and walks toward the door.

"I'm not mad about you and that girl," he says. "Your mom, she..."

"I know," I say again. I don't want to continue but the alcohol has pulled my barriers down. "I haven't spoken to her in days. I need to go see her."

"I'll call you a cab," he says.

"I can get a ride," I say. I finish off the bottle of vodka and hand it to him.

"Don't tell mom," I say.

"About the alcohol or about -" I cut him off.

"Either," I say.

I head downstairs and look for Andre. I accidentally stumble over a chair in the kitchen just as I catch eyes with my mom. I panic as she begins to walk toward me. I spot Andre near the door. I rush over to him, grab his hand, and pull him outside.

"I need a ride somewhere."


	18. Chapter Eighteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade and Tori met long before Tori's first day at Hollywood Arts. This is the story of who they once were. And how they came to be the people they are now. JORI. And unfortunate, yet circumstantially canon, minor Bade.

I sit in Andre's car as we drive up the Hollywood Hills to Tori's house. I don't even know what I'll say to her. But I know we need to talk.

"What's her name?" Andre speaks, pulling me from my thoughts.

"Tori," I answer as I roll down the window. I stick my hand out and play with the wind. "Tori!" I shout into the night air.

"Where'd you meet her?" he asks.

"In a dream," I answer.

"That sounds nice," he comments.

"It was," I respond.

"Was?" he asks me. "It isn't anymore?"

"It isn't the same now," I say, my mood suddenly turning. "How could it be?"

"Do you love her?" he asks.

"Yes," I answer flatly.

"Then what's wrong?" he asks.

"Take a left up here," I direct him. I think about what Andre asked me. I think about what really is wrong.

My brother is dead. I can barely look at Cat. I haven't spoken to my girlfriend in days. My parents kicked me out of the house, however briefly. I've never felt so alone. And I've never felt so strongly that I need someone.

"Up here," I say. "On the right." Andre pulls into Tori's driveway and stops the car.

"Well I'm here if you need me," Andre says.

"Thanks for the ride," I say with a forced smile.

"You got it, girl," he responds with a genuine one.  
I get out of the car and close the door behind me. I wait for Andre to drive away before walking up to the door of Tori's house. I stand there for a minute before ringing the doorbell, just trying to collect myself. It doesn't work. I press the button.

I hold firmly onto the frame of the door. I need to grasp onto something.

The door opens and I see Tori in a t-shirt and sweatpants. I need to grasp onto someone. I need to grasp onto her.

“Jade?” Her voice takes me.

“Is anyone home?” I ask.

“No, my mom and dad are at-“ I cut her off with a near violent kiss as I the door behind me. I take her shoulders and back her up against the nearest couch.

“Jade,” she says in a short breath as she tries to pull away.

“Tori,” I say as I pull her back to me.

She kisses me gently, but it’s not enough. This is not what I want right now. Not what I need. I wrap my arms around her and pull myself as close to her as I can, pressing one leg in between hers. She follows my lead and begins to deepen the kiss.

I take her right hand and use it to pull my dress up to my waist. I let go of her hand and leave it at the waistband of the boy’s briefs I chose to wear today. She almost pulls away but I place my hand on top of hers.

“Jade,” she whispers.

“Tori, please,” I say.

“Can we go up to my room?” she suggests.

“Why?” I shoot back at her.

“My sister should be coming home soon,” she says.

“It won’t take long,” I offer, hoping she can sense the urgency in my tone.

“Jade,” she raises her eyebrows as she speaks slowly, her chestnut eyes tearing into mine. She reaches up and touches her bottom lip before swiping her tongue along her teeth.

"You taste like alcohol," she says with a pout.

“Tori, please,” I say again. “I just... I need you to... I... Tori...” I can feel tears biting at the backs of my eyes.

“I can’t, Jade,” she says as she stands up straight, wiggles of my grasp, and takes a few steps away from me. “Not like this.”

“Fine,” I submit. “We’ll go up to your room.”

“Jade,” she starts.

“Stop saying my name!” I shout at her. The level of my voice throws her off guard. Now I can see the threatening tears in my eyes reflected in hers. But it doesn’t stop me. “I was there today,” my tone bitter and loud, “at the cemetery. I watched them lower his body into the ground.”

“The funeral,” she says, finally realizing what is going. “I’m so sorry.”

“You’re sorry?” I scream at her.

“Why didn’t you tell me? I wanted to be there.” She says.

“You wanted to be there?” I ask snidely. “You were nothing to him.” I say it though I know it’s not true.

“But you are everything to me!” she says, finally raising her voice. 

I don’t respond. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to express in words how I’m feeling. She reaches forward and takes my hand. She pulls me toward her and wraps her arms innocently around me. For a moment I let my body react. My arms slowly begin to raise. Until I stop.

“No!” I scream and push her away from me. A look of pure shock surfaces abruptly on her face and a single tear falls from her left eye.

I’m in shock too. I didn’t think I could ever yell at her like that. I never wanted it to be like this with her.

She can sense what I’m feeling and slowly, cautiously approaches me. She reaches one hand up and touches it to my cheek. This display of tenderness in the wake of such anger just breaks me. I can feel the tears as they drip down my cheeks.

“Hey,” she whispers. “It’s okay.” She wraps her arms around me and pulls me into her. I want to push her off again but I let her engulf me in a hug. More for her than for me. When she abruptly lets go I know she can feel me squirm.

“Ja-,” she starts to speak my name but stops herself. She looks up at the ceiling and shakes her head. “What am I supposed to do?” she asks no one.

I consider not responding. I consider just leaving it like this. But I can’t. “Take me up to your room,” I say. She looks up at me. She takes my hand and begins to guide me up the stairs. I tug on her hand when we reach her door. “You know that was a suggestion and not a command, right?”

“I know,” she says as she leans in to kiss my cheek. I turn my head quickly and catch her her lips with mine. She pulls me into her room and shuts the door behind us.


	19. Chapter Nineteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade and Tori met long before Tori's first day at Hollywood Arts. This is the story of who they once were. And how they came to be the people they are now. JORI. And unfortunate, yet circumstantially canon, minor Bade.

Tori is lying in my arms, falling in and out of sleep. I take the opportunity to look at her. To really look at her. I think about what kind of future we could have. I once thought of her as my family but it has changed now. I remember seeing her with Jordan. I can see vividly the picture that was once the wallpaper on my phone. I flash briefly back to the day we decided to label our relationship.

We had been sitting in the coffee shop where I had first seen her. We had been sitting at the same table where I had watched her play that song on that open mic night.

"Are we something now?" I had asked in an uncharacteristic loss of inhibitions.

"We're everything now," she had said with a smile as she had reached over and tapped the back of my wrist twice with her index finger. "Now and for a while, I hope."

"Same here," I had agreed. But it hadn't quite answered my question. I had needed something concrete. "Are you... I mean... Are we?"

"You're mine," she had said. "And I'm yours."

"Okay," I had said, still not content with the answer. I had only ever been with one person. With Beck. We started dating and he was instantly my boyfriend. I didn't know if that's how it was supposed to work.

"Not okay," she had said, reading into me.

"Are we-" I had started.

"Jade!" she had cut me off. "We're dating. We're together. You're my girlfriend, okay?"

"Okay," I had said. "Just me?"

"Just you, princess," she had responded.

I had smiled and taken a sip from my scalding hot coffee. It hadn't felt wrong to label it so quickly. I had briefly fought it, but it hadn't felt wrong to let her in.

"What are you thinking about?" she asks me as she nuzzles her head into the crook of my neck.

"Us," I say honestly.

"What about us?" she asks.

"I don't know, Tori," I whisper.

"I'm still yours, you know," she says.

And I'm frozen. I don't know what to say. Nothing has changed. Nothing about us has changed. The only thing that's different now is me. The way I feel. But my feelings for her haven't changed. Maybe just my feelings about everything.

"What does that even mean anymore?" I whisper. I look into her eyes and see what I perceive to be both sadness and fear.

"Did... did I do something wrong?" she stutters over her words.

I want to be able to say that she didn't. And somewhere in me I know that she hasn't done anything wrong. But it just doesn't feel right to me. I look around at where I am. Tori's room. Her bed. What just happened.

"Oh my god," I say as I sit up. "I was here. We... we were here. Just like this."

"What?" she asks timidly.

"I was here," I repeat. "I came here the night before. I didn't say goodbye to Jordan. I just... I let go of his hand."

"Oh." Tori breathes the word out as she untangles herself from my arms and the sheets and sits up. She leans against the wall and pulls her knees up to her chin. She looks around. "Yeah."

I stand up and walk around the room, collecting discarded pieces of my clothing. "I can't do this," I whisper. I say it so quietly that I'm not sure she can hear me. Not sure I want her to hear me.

She does. "That's not going to work for me," she says outright.

"What?" I ask.

"You saying you can't do this," she says as she gets out of her bed and walks over to me. She grabs my wrist. "I love you. And I know you love me too. So that's not going to work for me."

I stare at her for a few moments. I can feel my stare turning into a glare. My eyes close slightly and my nostrils flare. "Don't ever say that to me."

"Jade," she says.

"Tori, stop it!" I scream at her.

She lets go of my wrist and backs away. She lowers herself to the ground and leans her back against the end of her bed. She stares at the ground and picks pieces of the carpet out, tossing them away from her.

"I don't like you screaming at me," Tori says.

"Are you seriously going to make this about you?" I ask as I let out an exasperated groan.

"I'm sorry," she says, eyes still trained on the ground. "I know you are hurting."

"You don't know anything about me," I say.

"Okay," she gives up.

"Okay," I respond. I gather the rest of my clothes and finish getting dressed. I look down at Tori. She is still wearing just her underwear and bra. I can see now that she has started crying. Silently and clearly trying her best to remain calm. Even with her undergarments on she is naked. Completely exposed. In that moment I realize how weak she is. How weak a person must be to allow themselves to let someone in so completely. Tori looks so small and pathetic. I vow to never allow myself to be seen like that. Tori had seen me that way before. The night my parents had told me they were sending Jordan away. Never again.

She looks up at me. Looking for what? Comfort? Searching through her tears for something that resembles love. I close my eyes and turn around. I lean slightly forward, pressing my forehead against the door. I hear a tiny whimper emerge from the girl slumped on the ground behind me. I can't bear to look. I put my hand on the doorknob. "Goodbye, Tori," I say as I open the door and cautiously walk out. I shut the door behind me. As soon as it closes I hear Tori's silent sobs turn into hysterics. I feel a wrench in my gut. And in my heart. I have to pause to catch my breath. I look back at the door for a moment before I make my way downstairs.

I hear noises coming from the kitchen. Out of the corner of my eye I see Tori's parents making breakfast. I try to make it past them undetected but I'm not as stealthy as I wish I could be.

"Good morning, Jade!" Tori's mom shouts out at me.

"I was just heading out," I say.

"Well, we'll see you soon."

"Yeah," I say out loud. "No," I think to myself.


	20. Chapter Twenty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade and Tori met long before Tori's first day at Hollywood Arts. This is the story of who they once were. And how they came to be the people they are now. JORI. And unfortunate, yet circumstantially canon, minor Bade.

My head is pounding and I can taste vodka in my mouth. The forty five minute walk adds in the slight taste of blood. I get home to find a perfectly clean house. Of course my mother would hire someone to come in early this morning and clean it. I go straight to my room and fall backward onto my bed. The back of my head hits something hard. My Pear Phone. I pull it out from under my head, realizing that I didn't bring it with me when I went to Tori's. Two missed calls and one voicemail from Cat and one text from Andre. I'm more than surprised that I have no messages from Tori or Beck. I delete Cat's voicemail without listening to it. My eyes begin to flutter as I open up Andre's text. Somehow I fall asleep before I get a chance to actually read it.

"Jade?" I wake up to a knock on the door and my father'a voice.

"Come in," I say tentatively.

The door opens and my dad sticks his head in. "Do you want to come to the airport?"

"You're really still leaving?" I ask him.

"I have to," he says. "It's my job."

"Okay," I say. He looks at me. In that look I see that last night's conversation was not one that would ever be repeated. Not ever be spoken of. I had thought for a moment that maybe I had my dad back. Clearly I was mistaken. "Bye."

"Goodbye," he says as he leaves without shutting the door. I don't even bother to get upset about it. I'm desensitized to it.

I read the text message from Andre. "U cool girl?"

I walk into the bathroom and take my clothes off. The plan of a quick shower is lost when I realize that the hot water is running colder and colder and that I've just been standing there for a while.

I get dressed and type out a text to Andre as I walk to my car. "Meet me in the parking lot." I drive to school to find Andre leaning against the back of his car, cup of coffee in hand. I park nearby and walk over to him. He passes me the cup of coffee.

"Thanks," I mutter.

"Sure thing," he says. I walk up next to Andre, turn around, and lean against the car.

"How was last night?" he asks me.

"Fine," I respond. "The better question would be: how was this morning?"

"Then, how was this morning?" he asks.

"Terrible," I say.

"I'm sorry to hear that," he says.

"Yeah, well... What are you gonna do?" I ask hypothetically.

"Got me," he says. He looks down at the ground for a moment before popping his head back up. "You should give her another chance."

I'm caught off guard. "How did you know?"

"Just a feeling," Andre admits.

"I don't know," I say, responding to his original thought.

"I would," he says. The school bell rings off in the distance. "I gotta go, girl. You coming?"

"No," I say. "I'm not ready."

"I feel ya," he says. "I'll get your homework and e-mail it to you later."

"Thanks," I say.

"Think about what I said," is his last bit of advice before heading into school.

And I do. I think about everything I've been through with Tori. I think about how we met. How quickly it all progressed. And I think about how quickly it all spiraled down to where we are now. To where I am now. Still leaning against the car of a guy I didn't really know was my friend until last night.

My phone vibrates in my pocket. A text from Tori.

"Can we talk?"

My first instinct is to ask her what there is to talk about. Instead I think back to one night when we had fallen asleep while talking on the phone.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" she had asked.

"Film director, no question," I had said. "You?"

"I don't know," she had replied. "You pick for me."

"Scientist?" I had suggested.

"Boring," she had said. "I'm terrible at science anyway."

"Airplane pilot?" I try again.

"Naw," she had replied quickly. "Besides, I feel like you have to be good at science to do that. You know, what with the aerodynamics and such?" We had both laughed.

We had gone on for a few minutes. Me, suggesting random careers. Her, refuting all of them.

"I'm not particularly good at anything," she had said.

"I doubt that's true," I had said. I still didn't know her well enough to know what she could be.

"Actually... I'm fairly good at video tennis," she had offered. We had laughed again.

"Tennis player it is," I had decided.

"Too much running," she had said.

"Professional video game player?" I had mused.

"Is that even a job?" she had asked.

"I hope so!" I had said.

"How do you know?" she had asked.

"Know what?"

"What you want to be?" her voice had begun to fade.

"I don't know," I had started. "I just know."

"That's really cool," she had said, her words getting slower and softer. I had yawned.

"Yeah," I had said, my voice reduced to not much more than a whisper. "I guess I'm lucky.

The next thing I knew the sun was flooding into my room. I had picked up my phone. It had still been connected to Tori's, the timer at seven and a half hours and counting.

"Tori?" I had asked as I picked the phone up to my ear.

"Jade?" a groggy voice had come through.

"Hey," I had said.

"I fell asleep," she had said.

"So did I."

"That's kind of cute."

"A little bit," I had admitted.

I think back to that. I think back to many moments just like that. Moments where little things had seemed so real. When things were cute just because.

I type out a text message to Tori. "Okay. Tomorrow. I'll come pick you up at 7." I'm not sure I can handle such a conversation today. I'm not quite ready. I need time to prepare. Time to think about what I'll say.

I spend the rest of the day marathoning old horror movies. Ever since Tori introduced me to the genre I've watched a few more and realized how much I enjoy them. At some point I'm sure I hear my mother's screams coming from somewhere behind ones emitted by the movie victims but I ignore it.

I fall asleep early and wake up with a headache. I skip school again. I expect my mother to come in and yell at me but I don't hear or see her all day.

At 6:30 I leave my house, planning on stopping to get some coffee on my way to Tori's house. I drive down to that coffee shop I've spent so much time at. The coffee shop where I met Tori. The coffee shop where we had so many unimportant conversations. So many important ones. And I know now what I'll say to her. How I'll tell her that I'll stay. That maybe we can work it out. That she'll have to be patient with me.

I park my car and walk up to the door. I look through the clear glass door as I wrap my fingers around the handle. And I see her. Tori. She stands up from a chair and takes the hand of a girl next to her. The girl, shorter than Tori, with bleach blonde hair and a backward snapback. I watch as they lean in. Lips touch. My heart falls out and I know that this time Tori won't be there to pick it up. Put it back in its place.

Tori and the blonde walk over to the door and stop suddenly. Tori's eyes catch mine. She knows that I saw. I feel tears pressing behind my eyes and I run. I can't let her see me like this. I run as fast as I can. I get into my car and speed away, not sure where I'm going.


	21. Chapter Twenty One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade and Tori met long before Tori's first day at Hollywood Arts. This is the story of who they once were. And how they came to be the people they are now. JORI. And unfortunate, yet circumstantially canon, minor Bade.

"This is all your fault." I send the cryptic text off to Andre without even thinking about it. I shut off my phone in an attempt to ignore the endless stream of phone calls and text messages from Tori. I adjust my body in my car seat and look at where I've ended up.

A driveway. A trailer. A boy standing out front, no doubt wondering why I'm here and why I've been sitting in my car for so long. Beck walks up to my window and knocks gently.

"Ever going to come out of there?" he asks.

I am. I drop my phone onto the passenger seat, a quick flash vision of Tori and her guitar. Beck steps away and I throw the door open, not saying a word as I throw myself at him. Furiously kissing him as if my life depends on it. Not my life, though. My pride, my broken heart. Maybe even my sanity. I need to grasp onto something. Beck is the obvious choice. He is there. He will always be there. I have no doubt about that. He is a constant.

Half an hour later we are naked, lying under brown and green blankets. Opposite sides of the bed. Staring at the ceiling. Doing our best to not touch.

What seemed like a good decision at the time I realize now was desperation. But it's not something that I regret. It's something I need. Still, I feel guilty. Like I've cheated on someone or something that isn't even there. I know that I haven't but I can't quite shake the feeling.

"I gotta go," I say suddenly as I get out of the bed. I gather up my clothes, a quick flash of doing the same thing in Tori's room.

To Beck's credit he doesn't make a big deal out of it or try to initiate a conversation. He just asks "are you coming to school tomorrow?"

"Probably," I answer.

I leave the trailer and get into my car. I feel a tear gently forcing its way out of my eye. I wipe it away, turn the car on, and drive. I arbitrarily drive around for almost two hours until I find my way to a cemetery.

The cemetery.

I walk slowly, cautiously, to Jordan's grave. Despite the lack of an identifying headstone I know exactly which one it is. I could never forget. I kneel down right at the edge of the still fresh soil.

"I miss you," I speak out loud. I look around to see if anyone else is nearby. I'm alone. "I'm so sorry." I close my eyes as tightly as I can. I want so badly to cry but I just can't. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do without you. Everything has gone to hell since you left. And I know… I know you aren't coming back. I can accept it. But I'll never forget, I promise. And I'll never forgive myself for not saying goodbye. For just leaving. I just have to tell you that I love you. I love you."  
I sit down, facing away from the grave, and cross my legs. I look out into the darkness. The darkness that mirrors what I feel inside of me. I look down at my outfit. Black jeans and a black tank top, but with a violet flannel. I can hardly bear to look at the brightness of the purple hue. It's cold out but I pull the sweatshirt off of me and throw it as far as I can. Shivers pass through my body. I've left my phone off and in my car but I can tell it must be getting late. I turn around, kiss my fingertips, and press them into the dirt before heading back to my car.

I get home to find Andre leaning coolly against the back of his car.

"What happened, girl?" he asks me.

"What?" I ask coldly. He points to the phone that has made its way into my hand.  
"Your text?" he says. "I've been calling for hours."

"I don't even know what I wrote," I admit. I know it's only been hours since I ended up at Beck's trailer but it feels like it's been days.

"You said it was all my fault," Andre says. "What is all my fault?"

"It doesn't even matter anymore," I say to him, surprising myself with the amount of false surety in my voice. And I almost believe it.

"You're a great actor, Jade," he says. "We all know that." I don't respond. "Look. You don't have to tell me what happened. I just need to know if you're okay."

"I'm fine," I say.

"Fine is not okay," he says.

"I'm okay," I say.

"I'm your friend, girl," he says, throwing me off my guard. I think about it. "I care about you, Jade. I want to make sure you're – "

"You're not my friend!" I cut him off, nearly screaming.

"Alright," he says, holding his hands up in defeat. I almost apologize before realizing that I need to stand my ground.

"I appreciate what you've done for me," I say, my voice still slightly heated. "But that's where it ends.

"That's fine," he says as he walks around to get into his car. He turns back to say one more thing before driving away. "I'm around if you need me."

I watch as he drives away. I turn my phone on and am immediately inundated with a cacophony of text tones interrupting other text tones. Almost all of them from Tori, but one from Beck. A notification of several missed calls from both Tori and Andre.

"Ucchhh!" I shout as I throw my phone across the driveway. In this frustrated moment I get back into my car, turn it on, and drive over my phone. I can hear it being crushed to pieces. I get out of my car and kick the shards out into the street before running inside to my room.


	22. Chapter Twenty Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade and Tori met long before Tori's first day at Hollywood Arts. This is the story of who they once were. And how they came to be the people they are now. JORI. And unfortunate, yet circumstantially canon, minor Bade.

I wake up with the sun. I try to go back to sleep but give up quickly. I reach over to my nightstand for my Pear Phone. I'm confused for a moment until I remember what I did to it.

A shower, a toasted bagel, and I make my way out to my car. I see a note tucked under one of the windshield wipers. My name written on the front. I recognize the handwriting immediately. I know I should just throw it away but I feel the need to read it. To torture myself.

I open the note and there it all is. Perfect serif letters.

I'm sure you don't want to see me or speak to me ever again. You've probably changed your number too. I feel weird leaving you a note, but I don't know any other way to tell you everything. So here goes…

I love you, Jade. I love you with everything I have. I will always love you.

I'm sorry for everything you've been through. I'm sorry for everything I've done to contribute to that. That girl was nothing. I hope you know that she was nothing. I was terrified that I had lost you. I guess I just latched on to the closest person I could find. I know you might not understand that. It's just a stupid coping mechanism. I was hurt and I was scared and I guess I just needed something.

I know it will be fruitless to try to plead my case and fight for you. So I'll leave it with this. I wish you the best in everything. I hope you find what you're looking for.

I'll be at our coffee shop tomorrow. I don't know, just in case you want to say goodbye.

Can't wait to see your name in the credits of great movies.

Love always,

(Still) your Tori

I fold the note back up and stick it in my back pocket.

I grab a cup of coffee on my way to school but still manage to get there way too early. I lean against my locker and stare into space as other students begin to trickle in.

"What happened last night?" Beck asks as he leans against the locker next to mine.

"I don't know," I flippantly answer as I put a textbook into my locker, not even bothering to look up at him.

"We... You know..." he says.

"I know," I say quickly.

"But what does it mean? For us?" I turn to look into his eyes. And I smile.

"Jade!" Cat yells out my name from the other end of the hallway, breaking what could have been a good moment. She runs up to me and begins to wrap her arms around me. I push her off.

"No!" I scream.

"Owww," she whines, a pout protruding from her bottom lip.

"I just can't with you right now," I snap.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Cat yells in a high pitched voice.

"Be nice to her," Beck says to Cat. "She's broken."

"I'm sorry," Cat says to me, eyes trained on the ground. "I really am."

"Whatever, Cat," I say. She frowns and walks away.

"Jade, stop it." Beck speaks as he watches Cat walk away.

"Stop what?" I ask.

"Just forgive her," he says. "She made a mistake."

And for a second I think about Tori. How I can't forgive her. But maybe it can be different with Cat, though our friendship will never be what it was. Maybe I need to let her back in. Maybe I need someone. But maybe I don't.

"Don't be an idiot, Beck." I say.

He gently takes my wrists and pulls me close to him. "Jade, are you going to keep acting like this?"

"Like what?" I ask, feigning ignorance.

"Like a total gank," he says. And I give in.

"I don't know, Beck. I like being this way," I admit. "I hurt. Everything hurts. You don't even know the half of it. This helps. Acting like..." I stop myself. And I acknowledge for the first time that it's not acting. "Being like this helps."

"I don't know if I can take you treating people like this forever," Beck says. Forever?

"So you want to break up with me already?" I scream at him.

"No, that's not what I-" he starts shouting back. He takes a breath to calm down and lowers the volume of his voice. "I just..."

"Whatever," I sigh. I turn to walk down the hallway, heading to Sikowitz's classroom.

"Does that mean you're my girlfriend again?" he shouts as he follows ten paces behind me.

"Yes!" I scream back at him in a tone that doesn't quite express excitement so much as bitterness.

"Good!" he responds in a similar tone. He catches up to me as I enter the classroom and kisses me on the cheek before I take my seat. "I love you," he whispers in my ear as he leans back into the seat next to me.

I close my eyes and everything briefly pauses. And in that reprieve I am back in my bed. Tori reaching over Jordan's sleeping body. Whispering "I love you" in the dark. I open my eyes again and see Beck looking at me like a stray puppy finally finding a home. He's not her. But neither is she anymore. I want nothing more than to go back to that first night at the coffee shop. Canters. First kisses on the beach and that feeling of belonging. I look into Beck's eyes. I don't belong with him. But he belongs to me. And I guess that's okay for now.

For now.

"Are you free on tomorrow night?" I ask Beck. "There's something I need to do but I'll be done by like 8 or 9. Do you want to hang out afterward?"

"Let's do it, then," Beck says. "I'm in."

"Okay," I say.

"Andre," I address him as he enters the classroom.

"Yeah?" he responds. The shortness of his tone makes it clear that he's still upset about the conversation we had late last night.

"I need to borrow your keyboard," I demand.

"I'll drop it off tonight," he says.

Satisfied with his answer, I don't respond.

As soon as Andre drops the keyboard off at my house I get to work. A notepad and a pencil and a fierce need to get it all out.


	23. Chapter Twenty Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jade and Tori met long before Tori's first day at Hollywood Arts. This is the story of who they once were. And how they came to be the people they are now. JORI. And unfortunate, yet circumstantially canon, minor Bade.

I've been laying on my bed for at least two hours, just staring at the ceiling. Too much has happened in the last week and a half. I can't even begin to process it. Can't begin to allow myself to process it. I only got ninety minutes of sleep so I probably couldn't process if I tried. My brain isn't quite there. I spent all of last night and most of today in front of the keyboard. It took hours but I finally finished something I'm proud of. The song has taken over my exhausted mind and there's not really room for anything else right now. So I've just been laying here.

My new phone dings, alerting me to a new text message. I went to the Pear Store early this morning to pick up a new phone. For good measure, and maybe an attempt to achieve the tiniest semblance of a new chapter in my life; I got a new phone number as well. So far Beck is the only person who has my new number. "Still on for 2nite?" Beck asks.

I write back. "Yeah. I'll text you when I'm on my way to your house."

"Cool cool. Really looking forward to seeing you."

"Yeah. Me too." I write back. And I mean it. At least I mean it as much as I can. I think my capacity for that has decreased. The ceiling has been lowered. The room smaller. But it's still a room. And I can still stand up straight without hitting my head. I guess that's all I can ask for right now. Besides, how am I supposed to find more space if I let the walls close in around me?

I find solace in the idea that I can feel this way inside and still project a tough exterior. So that's what I plan on doing for a while. That's going to be my coping mechanism.

I look at the time and realize I need to start getting ready to head out. It takes me twenty minutes to find an outfit I feel good about. I make a mental note to go shopping in the near future. I grab Andre's keyboard and hold on tight to it. I begin the walk out to my car but am stopped as I pass through the living room.

"Where are you going?" my mother asks me. She is sitting on the couch, book in one hand. A glass of red wine in the other. I spot an almost empty bottle of wine on the coffee table. I want to believe that my mother is drinking because she's been at least slightly affected by the death of her son, but I convince myself it's just a fleeting feeling.

"Out," I answer.

"Not with that girl," my mother says outright. I want to be able to tell her otherwise. Just to be contrary. Just to make her angry. I look back at the bottle of wine, now empty as my mother pours what was left of it into her glass. I don't know why, but I decide to give her a break. Maybe I imagine myself in her place for a moment. Maybe I just have a brief change of heart.

"You'll be happy to know that I'm back with Beck," I say.

"I am very happy to know that," my mother says with genuine excitement tainted by a tinge of sarcasm as she holds her glass up in a toast. "Cheers to my daughter's newfound heterosexuality."

And that's enough for me. I walk out the front door without another word. I place the keyboard on the backseat and begin the drive to my destination.

At first I drive slowly. Trepidatious turns and stops at red lights. But I turn on the radio and that song comes on. That song Tori had played in my car, the night we met. Thinking about her fuels me. Images of her flash behind my eyes. Dancing with Jordan. Sitting on the ground in front of me at the hospital. Looking like she was going to cry every time I pushed her or screamed at her. Kissing that blonde girl. Looking at me through the doorway of the coffee shop. The coffee shop that I notice I've just passed at an alarming speed I didn't even know I was going. I stop quickly and park on the side of the street.

I walk into the coffee shop, keyboard in hand. And there she is. Tori. Just walking up to the chair by the window. She looks expectantly over to the door as I open it. I can see her breath hitch. I know she's been waiting for me, hoping I'll show up. I imagine her eyes darting to the door every time it opens. Disappointment sweeping across her face every time it isn't me. But this time it is. Light shines from her eyes. I can feel it on me and for a second I feel something. I know it isn't hope, but the wrench in my heart makes me think for a second that it might be. The pain subsides and I know that it isn't.

I avert my eyes and walk straight up to the counter. I order a cup of coffee as Tori takes her spot by the window. She begins to play. A soft lullabye, slow and sweet. Words flow from her mouth. "She says goodbye and I -" I tune it out. I know it's about me and I don't want to hear it. I flash back to the time I suggested future careers to Tori. I wonder why I never suggested she be a musician. Maybe I had just forgotten at that point. Unlikely. Or maybe I thought she was so talented that it bothered me. That subconsciously I wanted to forget about it. Maybe I even saw her as a threat.

Or maybe I knew that if she became a musician she would have to be a part of my whole life. I had never introduced her to my friends. I had left her so separate, preferring to keep her to myself. Maybe I wanted to stay in our own little world.

"Ma'am," I hear a voice. I face the girl behind the counter. "Your coffee."

"What did you just call me?" I ask, my tone harsh.

"I'm sorry," the barista the says. I want to laugh at the look of fear on her face.

"Good," I say with a sneer.

I'm grateful that I made it through Tori's song without having to listen to any of the lyrics. Without having to listen to her voice. I watch as she stands and walks right up to me.

"Jade," she says as she tries to touch my wrist with the hand that isn't holding onto the neck of her guitar.

"Never touch me!" I shout at her. She recoils. She looks like she is about to apologize but I stop her before she gets a chance. I reach to the side, over the counter, and grab a pair of scissors. In one quick motion I cut as many of the guitar's strings that I can. The scissors will only cut through the first two strings. The rest are too thick. Dissatisfied, I stab the scissors into the wood and quickly withdraw like a knife covered in blood. She looks at me in shock. "I wrote a song too." I tuck the scissors into one of my boots, flip my hair to the side, and walk to the chair by the window. That guy with the tuxedo and Air Jordans is sitting down, about to start playing. I grab his arm and pull him out of the chair without a word. He looks like he wants to say something but he sees the fierce look on my face and surrenders instantly.

I sit down and cross my legs, placing the keyboard on my lap. I take one last look at Tori before I close my eyes. Imprinted is a vision of her standing by the counter. Holding a broken guitar and that shocked look.

I keep my eyes shut. Fingers finding their place on the keys, I sing.

"Everything was spinning inside out, upside down. Everything was fine when you were around. But every serifed letter starts fading. And every story has an end. Too many lyrics are degrading the words to which our tongues can bend. You don't really know me, so don't tell me that you care. Your extrospective eyes betray you. I'm no longer there."


End file.
